Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.

You are still the secret ingredient.

BUT! You CANNOT be the ONLY ingredient.

If you want success doing something that is so you, and true happiness, and anything else that is good, you need Your People around you.

(Of course you have to work on yourself and know who you are. You have to thaw yourself out.)

But you need very specific people in your life, too.

You need them as much as you need, well, any other necessity (food, water, space from your relatives after Thanksgiving).

And you get to select who these people are — and who you pick is very, very important.

Whatever you call it — you need one.

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family.  Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.

“Need” is a strong word. What happens when you don’t have your own people? Um, you die (only on the inside — don’t freak out! but I’m really serious about this).  These are Your People.

Your People are the train tracks that keep you on your right path. You’re the train. Sure, you could move a train without the train tracks — but it’s really hard. Putting a train on its tracks means it can travel 100 miles in hours.

A train is designed to run fast on its tracks. You’re designed to fly along ONLY when you’re surrounded by Your People.

And it’s probably not your family of origin.

The thing you have in common with your family of origin? You were born into it. This is a very special bond, but this does not make them the grand total of Your People.

Maybe you had a really nice, easy Thanksgiving with a large, loving family. And, if you did, you are the only one.

Most people I’ve talked to either witnessed or had at least one emotional break down (and the air was so thick with passive-aggression that you could cut it with a knife).

Or, your great-aunt’s razor-sharp tongue.

Or, utter humiliation.

Maybe you’re 30 and was forced to share a room — and bunk beds — with 3 toddlers, one with night terrors and the one sleeping above you? He wets the bed. And, they aren’t your kids.

You’re not crazy if Your People are not your family. And that’s 100% okay.

What’s not okay is never branching out to find Your Right People.

You still love your family. I mean, they’re your family. You’ll always love them, and they pay be part of Your People.

But Your People are out there waiting for you to find them! Woo hoo, over here!

And this is what you’re looking for…

Trait #1: Mother love.

Your People definitely express empathy and compassion.

It’s pretty cool how this “mother love” type stuff (there’s probably a cooler word for it, but I’m drawing blanks) works.

Something literally scrambles your brain, permanently, when you are loved this way. Without receiving, you cannot give it, and without both getting and giving it, you never feel complete.

Monkeys taught us this. Scientists conducted a study on chimpanzees in the 70’s where a few baby chimpanzees were raised in a cage with food, water, and a fake chimpanzee mother constructed of wire. They had no support, love or affection from a live being.

When these chimpanzees grew up and had little baby chimpanzees of their own, they completely ignored them. They left the babies in a corner. How sad is that?

It’s like they didn’t know what to do because they were never shown what to do.

And you need to be shown on a regular basis. My tank gets empty pretty quickly without a few people that I can call, rant to, and have them say, “I totally understand. That’s awful.”

And I get a hug or a cookie or a scotch and water — you know, depending on the day.

I also get to feel (and, really, know) that everything is going to be okay.

Trait #2: You’re on my madreiga.*

* It’s hebrew for “level”. A close friend who is on my madreiga is teaching me choice Hebrew, Elohim bless her.

I shoot you a look, and you know that I’m thinking, “This guy just said, ‘My family is more powerful than God’ with a straight face. Hee-larious. What a DB. Let’s pretend to agree and see what he says next.”

You know what I’m talking about — you get halfway through a story about a subtly competitive person at work, and Your Person already knows where you’re going with it and why it’s so freaking annoying.

Your People are following that 93% of communication that is non-verbal (because only 7% of what is said is remembered, the other memory comes from body language, someone’s vibe, maybe how they need a shower).

When you let someone into your tribe, you don’t have to explain something for 20 minutes for them to “get” it most of the time. And it makes all communication so much faster and more satisfying.

I get to feel connected in a web of support — I fall, and this is where I land. I’m much more likely to leap.

Trait #3: You can’t see it.

You don’t know your people upon seeing them — you know them when you feel them.

Like the way I feel about my friend “Susan“. We are just really connected.

She visited me when I was in the middle of being extremely busy at my firm and feeling over-tired of staying in a life that fit about 20% of who I am. The other 80% looked like this (quick-and-dirty explanation of that link: “garden of writhing polyps”).

And, man, did I lose it the night before she flew back to Atlanta. Because she knows me, and there was no keeping quiet how wonderful it was to just sit with her. It felt so soothing. But, she was leaving. I totally lost it.

Because, around My People, I cannot hide the truth. No more lying to yourself. And that, my friend, is perhaps the most valuable gift in existence.

Trait #4: You don’t have to “act nice.”

Because what’s more boring that acting tediously nice?

As in, “How were your holidays? That’s splendid. We had turkey, too. I can’t believe it’s almost the end of the year? Will you be vacationing?” times however many people are in your office.

You cannot convince me that you like that. You’re here, aren’t you? Res ipsa loquitur.*

* “The thing speaks for itself.” I took Latin, and dammit, I’m going to start using it.

There’s a time and a place for keeping your weird at bay (for some people — I make no claims about being able to do that), but not with Your People.

You get to be the biggest, strangest and most outrageous version of yourself. And they CANNOT get enough.

Fly your freak flag. Dance, dance, dance. Put a duck on your shoulder.

With My People, my true self is celebrated. Guard goes down.

Trait #5: Cheerleading is a sport.

You get that big brake in your business. You FINALLY meet someone special. Your chili wins the cook off!!  And Your People are jumping-up-and-down happy.

Not jealous. No luke warm emails saying, “That is great. Btw, did you see this YouTube video of the baby doing the stanky leg. Also, I think I want chicken salad for lunch”

They are just thrilled. It’s like a team victory.

The Ultimate Benefit.

Maybe you want happiness? Success? Utter nirvana?

When you have Your People in your life, your self doubt starts withering. You’re still terrified about leaving your job, but you know you can do it.

Your terribly embarrassing stories start becoming your funniest, most popular stories to tell.

It’s all lighter, it’s easier to take smart risks and it’s much, much easier to be yourself.

With less fear (and people to talk about the fears that you still have — there will always be some) you create things of value. You’re productive at work. You are irresistible.

You don’t eat doughnuts to calm your frazzled nerves.

My people push me (in a good, non-scary way) to do those right for me things. And they are waiting with cheers at the finish line.

Which, by the way, is where I’m waiting for you, My Right Person.

Comments!

If you’re feeling like commenting, which I love it when you do — but no pressure — tell me about:

• One of Your Right People
• Tragic Thanksgiving stories (that, because you’re here with me, are actually really funny)

Thanks for being on of My Right People. You are allllllways welcome here.

Friday! In Review. #9: Tricky dance edition.

Well, look what happened! It got to be Friday* again. That was fast.

* (On Fridays, here in my world, where you are most welcome, we discuss our week.)

This:

(1) helps us feel grateful for good stuff (so sometimes we forget to be thankful, so sue us), and

(2) helps us stay in process with the things we are working on (jobs, relationships, a tower of macaroni noodles — you have no limits here) because that’s how life really starts to get good.

And, in case you are new-ish, this is a ritual directly inspired by my internet crush, Havi Brooks.  Mine is exactly the same but less cool morphing into something different, but the idea of taking a moment every week is the same.

I have LOVED this — it feels reallllllly good to do.

I highly recommend you join me. In the comments. Like, seriously — pseudonyms are fine if you’re are weird about sharing.

Some stuff is Hard Stuff.

(more…)

Stuff that is not totally lame.

I’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes, and I still cannot bring myself to write about “things I’m thankful for” — there’s just something about writing it that feels like I’m eating sugar cubes. [shudders]

Instead, we’re going with “Stuff that is not totally lame.” Yay!

Because rituals are important, and this is our very first Thanksgiving together*.

*May there be many more. I like you.

For the day surrounded by turkey and sweet potatoes and misrepresented history of the settlers’ relations with native americans….

…I’m going to write stuff until my mom needs help in the kitchen. Then, it’s you’re turn.

Stuff that is not totally lame.

1. You. I love it when you make comments, I love that you read my blog and I am OVER THE MOON when you contact me. You’re so great.

2. Traveling alone. It’s so different from traveling with others that it needs another word. I propose

3. Completely random encounters — like the time R.V. forced me escorted me to Pegu Club because the manager had called her at her home to say the staff missed her …. and we hung out with her friend, a career boxer? Like gloves + ring style boxer.

4.  …. Or the time the South African crew totally crashed surprised me on my second date with a young gentleman at Kingswood.

5. … Or the time I foisted the Tao from my purse (why was it in there?) onto a veritable stranger (who am I?) so we could look at it together. Omigoodness. Poor guy.

6. … Or the time I stepped off a plane, and at the gate next to mine, one of my favorite people was also deplaning at that moment! What a wonderful surprise to see W. Driver – no, that’s too obvious – Walter D.

[I love that weird stuff that happens. It is definitely not totally lame. I could go on and on and on. But, moving on...]

7. Other people’s blogs — especially Havi’s *and Pam’s and Mr. Pants’s blogs.

*What the what!? Just looked and Havi is doing a cooler similar post. It’s the 100 monkeys showing their heads again.

8. My beautiful family, who supports and even is starting to be into? the work I do out here in the cyber-verse, and on the phone with clients and in 3-D in workshops. Fabulous, fabulous family. I love you.

9. The Bumble Bee Press! Julie owns it and is awesome. You can order letter press from her or if you’re in Atlanta, you can stop by her new, super sweet store. She’s dynamite.

10. Phoenix! It’s Phoen-tastic.

11. Reasons to clean up and go somewhere (what is up, Ball this Friday)

12. Meeting new people that are so my kind of people. Hey, supper club, thinking of you.

13. The Food Network. And I’m not ashamed.

14. The name game. Again, no shame.

15. I also love how uncool it is to admit to loving the name game.

16. Audrey’s ugly sweater party. Woot woot.

17. People with pink hair.

18. Ina Garten. May she find me, adopt me as her niece, become my pen pal (through the U.S. postal service) and then we’ll cook together.

19. Things that terrify me (this blog — ANYONE could be reading this! Ahhhh! — and what I do — what if people think I’m weird and stupid!) and then doing them. It’s really fun.

20. Turkey Confidential’s call-in show on Splendid Table. People really stress out on Thanksgiving! I find that hilarious — and I hope that doesn’t sound mean. I hope that’s not actually mean, too.

21. New York Magazine. You have GOT to start going there. Everything happens on it.

22. Twitter. I’m still a newbie, but, you know, the coolest people hang out there, I’m telling you! There are creepy monsters out there, too, but we don’t hang out with them.

23. Friends who insist on me visiting — and also, they live in really cool places.

24. Fantasy animals like my phoenix logo (reinventing yourself from the ashes of yourself — get it?!) and purple dragons, which you will be hearing more about soo-oon.

25. Music videos. What??

26. When a client realizes that she is not trapped and really can do whatever she wants. LOVE this.

27. Dance, dance, dance.

28. Kayaking. What??

29. Baking cookies with Grace. Hey, Grace!

30. Cooooofffffeeeeeeeeeeee.

31. Really socially awkward people. If you feel like you have no clue what to do in many social situations, you are most WELCOME here!  Please, never EVER change.

32. 3 close friends that are having babies due within a month of each other. I think this is neat. And it definitely increases the chances of me remembering when their kids’ birthdays are.

33. The two ladies in the nail salon in Buckhead:

Lady, the First — “What are the 4 S’s of raising a happy baby? Swaddle, Swish…?”

Lady, the Second — “I don’t know, but one of them should be Swearing.”

34. I love Sirius XM U. It shows me new music — radio NEVER does this. Brooklyn Vegan freaking hosts almost every day. How cool is that. (So cool)

35. Honesty. I like it how it’s the best policy, no matter what.

36. Austin, Texas. You keep it weird and you keep me coming back for more.

37. Anyone who is willing to teach me Hebrew. You are so on my madreiga.

38. Anyone who is willing to teach me Navajo. Thank you for the Beauty Way (I cannot remember how to say that in Navajo, dang it!).

39. OH, MY FRIENDS! Without you, I’d be a puddle. You guys. I hope you realize what huge successes you are and how you’re vvvvvery perfectly you. I send you allllll the good stuff there is.

40. OH, MY CLIENTS! I am 100% positive that I get more out of working with you than you could ever get from me, because you let me do what I LOVE most in the world. That’s really and truly a gift.

41. Vanilla bean soft serve from Chickalicious.

42. Also — anyone willing to teach me French. De rien!

43. Greenberry’s cafe in Charlottesville because never has one room smelled so strongly of roasted beans that anything I own from college still smells like coffee. And, yes, they have been washed. And, the biscotti is amazing.

44. Portland, Maine. You, fair city, are my food capital of my known world. I’m talking Duck Fat, I’m talking that Thai place that’s like a shack and has no Pad Thai on the menu, I’m talking the Lobster Shack.

45. Television. I like it. I feel like I’m supposed to say, “I don’t really watch television” but that would be a dirty lie. Curb Your Enthusiasm is definitely not lame. I like the movie channels. I still like Will and Grace.*

*There is LOADS of lame stuff, too, I know that. For instance: All reality TV. But that is what the remote control is for.

46. I really like people who are totally themselves, even if that means swearing in the cyber-verse.

45. Driving! Never gets lame.

46. Expressing your junk. Talk out the anger, man.

47. Have you ever read Made to Stick? It’s the least-lame marketing book in the English speaking world.

48. Going outside to play. That will never be lame. And, if you think it is, that just tells me you haven’t done this is wayyyyyy too long. Try it. Just sayin’.

49. The right kinds of dogs. I’m a dog person. But only for some dogs (sorry, chow chows, I don’t think we’re right for each other).

50. How we are, all of us, connected. And I mean connected with everything. This is very centering, when you feel like you KNOW it’s true. And when I just don’t care for a person, this truth helps me drop my judgment and have compassion for another human being who is, truly, connected to me. Because, hating them is really just hurting myself. We’re all connected, and it’s why I do this work.

And, with that, my mom’s ready for me to do something with brussel sprouts.

This came together nicely.

Talk to me — what are some things in your personal space that are not totally lame? Share with daring.

And — Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!

Friday! In Review: #8 The Tale of Bufferella

It’s Fri-iiiiiday. I’m overjoyed.

We, as in you, precious one, and I, a human that you somehow find interesting or funny instead of offensive (bless you), look at our week because that’s how we stay in the process of figuring the junk out. Because there’s junk.

It’s our reminding time. We’re building good stuff in our lives but sometimes we forget the heck about the building project. Oh, us!

And when we are honest with ourselves about what’s really going on, we are giving ourselves permission to progress on our building project — we put up a piece of dry wall one day. Another day, we realize we want oak floors in the bedroom.

And one of these days, it will be time for us move in to our new house.

“Moving into your house” means really and actually creating exactly what you want in this world. Happy at work. Health at home. One step at a time.

Today’s step — our ritual.

A few of the hard stuffs.

• UGH. Sometimes live nowhere.

I am traveling (could I please stop talking about this?) a lot, and don’t really have a true home base.

This is not THAT big of a deal, since this is also my choice of lifestyles, but there really is something about going home that feels, you know, like going home.

I miss that.

• Stupid life decisions.

I am close to having to make some. And, guess what? It’s never easy. It does, however, get easy-er the more your life is youified.

But good-scary stuff (that stuff that feels fun, but still has eek! am I really going to jump? qualities) comes around no matter where in your process you are.

And it’s being terrified (in a high-dive jump sense) and doing it anyway that, each time, is really, really and really the right decision. Know what I mean?

Da coolest.

• I have had a genius inspiration this week.

For one, um, I solved an ancient riddle.

Figuratively speaking. Basically, I can do things in advance! I can write a blog post the day before I have to post it. I am Sparta! I love this.

Also, I can plan out the programs I do way in advance and do a lot of work ahead of time. Brilliant.

So, you heard it here first — there are several programs and other things in the docket, that are carefully being planned, built and tested.

I’m getting more strategized and ordered. It’s major.

• Somebody googled “Super hero kid” and found my blog.

And that person stayed for 45 minutes. I am dying to meet you!

• “Oh, Bufferella. She was a bitch. But we LOVED her.”

People’s pet stories will always be insane. Someone really should make an adult cartoon series on this.

Like my newt (Rudy Toot Newt) who captivated me. His aquatic actions could be construed as interacting with me, sometimes.

Then he ran away, only to be found underneath the treadmill (the very treadmill where I also made butter with a mason jar full of milk and tore up my left pointer finger doing so) frozen and dried out.

Independent until the end. I’m proud of his daring escape attempt.

And like Bufferella, the South African Bijon who was a total prima donna. She would ignore everyone and do whatever she wanted, and never seemed to care at all.

She was such a bitch. Justin loved that. I think Bufferella is the basis for many of Justin’s friendships. With people. And it’s worked out pretty well for him.

• Fantasy animals. Have you ever heard of the Purple Dragon?

Maybe not, but I have. Think, high school meets the new school. I know, enigmatic. Kind of on purpose. Kind of annoying of me.

• Supper clubs! I count myself lucky.

And, I count myself in. What’s more fun than a night all around cooking, and friends, when you don’t really have to be cooking if you don’t want to be? But, you do! That’s what’s fun.

That’s my week. What about yours? You can join in if you feel like it. If not, you can still always hang out here.

Happy, happy weekend!!!!

99 problems and no clue where to start?

You’re not in the greatest of shape (your words, not mine — I think you’re splendid just the way you are).

Sometimes you doubt whether your relationship is really right for you. And, you think you’re in the wrong career.

Oh, yeah — and where you live? You love big sky and fresh air, but you’re living in the heart of darkness city.

Where to start sorting it out?

The saying “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten” is alllll kinds of wrong.

If you continue to do nothing (which I completely and totally relate to, you’re not a criminal, but which is definitely what you’re doing) you will get increasingly worse results.

• Right now, you’re life is a congested intersection.  Some red Honda is totally blocking the box when the light changes and all of the other cars are honking. You can still drive, but you’re not getting anywhere.
• You keep doing what you’ve been doing (very little — you’ve said so yourself!) to change stuff, and you’re life will become the scene of a four-car pile up. The wreck will be scary. It will include injuries and paramedics, and a serious time-out from driving for a while.

Don’t wait until you just can’t take it anymore and feel you must do something drastic — or until something drastic happens in your relationship or job or health. You’re stamina will, eventually, completely give out.

And before it does, it will all (performance at work, health, everything) get way, way worse.

(I would never wish this on you, of all people. This is what I’ve seen over and over and over again — it feels kinder to warn you than pretend it’s all going to be okay without having to do anything.)

Start at the bottom.

It may sound counterintuitive to start with what’s least important.  That’s because it is — you’ve been trying to start with the juiciest piece of the puzzle, because that’s all natural and normal. But look how stuck you’ve been!

Begin at the bottom of your priority list (note to self: make “priority list”). In my world, which is where we are right now, this means starting with your job.

Because your studly people, your health and your needs matter more.  Or, if you’re raising your eyebrow at me, let’s agree that your life matters just as much and arguably more than your jobification.

What you do to just freaking get started already.

If you’re like me, you’d LOVE to start sorting out [whatever needs sorting] but it’s IMPOSSIBLE to get started when your life is a bowl of tangled spaghetti. So, here’s the easy stuff to get you moving.

Note to YOU: Don’t think too much about any one action — i.e. “I can’t speak to so-and-so because I can’t switch jobs because my boyfriend wants me to keep mine” — you’re not making one single change right now. This is the get started post, not the rip the band-aid off post.

1. Talk to someone more senior to you that you trust.  Especially if you’re at a law firm, remember — attrition is natural.  It’s part of the model. And if you’re in a corporation, remember — you should always explore your options all along your career. It’s not like you’re cheating on your spouse, it’s like your kid is in a school and you’re not sure it’s the right one, so you’re asking about other schools close to your house.  Even if you don’t want to talk to anyone at your firm, speak to your best friend at another firm’s trusted mentor. By the end of next week, talk to one human being in your field that is senior to you about the doubts you’re having. Tell the person how you feel, and see what he or she has to say.
2. Email at least 3 people that you or one of your friends knows that’s gone on to a better-for-her place. 3 former colleagues that have left your firm for another legal position or a totally different career and are willing to be taken to a free lunch — this is absolutely doable. Just ask them about why they left, what they’re doing now, and how they like their new gig.
3. Be conscious about your army of support. Do you hang out with just about anyone who wants to spend time with you? Okay, you’re going to have to stop that. Be selective, you’re quite precious and worth it. If you work for a firm, you have really good health insurance that will pay for loads of stuff, so I would *highly* recommend seeing a counselor or therapist — not because you need one (if you need anything, it’s probably a massage) but because she will be on your side. And while meeting with at least one person consistently in your corner, you start getting more in your own corner.
4. Absolutely go on the first interview you’re offered. You may not get to this for a while. And not that you even have one iota of interest in the job you’re interviewing for. It’s just for practice. Trust me, you used to interview very well (you’re so charming!), but you’re rusty. Even if you don’t feel rusty, I’m telling you, you are. You’ll feel kind of weird after the first interview. Get it out of your system. (Reminder — none of this means you are actually changing jobs, you’re just being a smart cookie realizing that exploring your options leads to being happier in your current position or another one).
5. If you’re skimming, READ THIS: You must go forth and have fun. At least one time each weekend. Not a wild debauched night on the town, but wholesome fun — play with a dog, go on a bike ride, build a fort. Anything that sounds fun and doesn’t require a parental guidance rating. You’ll find yourself weirdly happier generally.

These 5 easy like pie things are totally doable. They do not mean you’re actually going to make one single change in your life. You are just starting at the bottom and seeing what you get from what you put out there. No biggie.

Granted: Permission to not know what to do.

Of course you don’t know what to do!  You’re in a weird place right now. And that’s okay — we’ve all been there. You cannot know what you’re “supposed” to do because there is no right answer, there’s just getting started on the figuring it out parts.

Do these little things and you’ll feel some pressure release from the situation. Because you will figure this out, and I’m delighted to help you do so.

Tuesday Styles #7: Total nothing burger edition.

What’s really interesting is what we aren’t wearing. Oh, it says just as much (more?) than what we are wearing.

And what we aren’t wearing tells us what we should be doing.

Funny bones.

There are skeletons and then there are skeletons. There’s “I Know What You Did Last Summer”-type skeletons, and then there are The Breakfast Club-type skeletons, which aren’t true skeletons at all.

These kinds of non-skeletons are what I’m talking about with your non-wearing clothes.

Tell me — which skeleton sounds like you??

Category, the first: The skeleton of who you were.

Public enemy #1 = clothes that used to fit.  But, they don’t anymore, and haven’t for a long time. And I mean “fit” like you’re either swimming in them, or you cannot fit one pant leg over your current biceps.

Public enemy #2 = worn-out clothes from 20 years ago. You’re not saving 45 faded college t-shirts for your grandkids.

Category, the second: Fantasy skeletons.

Phantom #1 = clothes that are savvy & bold. Because you would stand out among your dude-friends if you wore that man-bag or cardigan. But you still want to own that cardigan.

Phantom #2 = clothes for which there is no occasion.  You had to come up with a complete back story (if I ever am invited to the Governor’s Inauguration Ball) to justify buying it. And, of course, have not worn it. Pretty, pristine things that collect dust.

Category, the third: Siamese-twin skeletons.

Clone #1 = it’s all the same black shirt.  You buy something, and arrive home to find you’ve already bought that — but the better version. So, you keep the less cool version and just don’t really wear it.

Clone #2 = social uniforms. You end up with clothes in your closet that look like the things the people around you at work/school/the kabbalah center wear, but you never actually wear that stuff.

Not being a total nothing burger means finding answers.

Where do the things you’re not wearing fit? I, for one, pulled all of the above from personal experience, so fitting into any of the above means fitting in with me.

It’s glorrrrrrrious to peer into our dark, musty closets and see the skeletons — and even more glorious to pull the skeletons out.

Because seeing what we’re not wearing in the cleansing light of day means knowing what we should be doing.

Feeling Category, the first?  Releasing bones of the past: Learn to let go, like yourself for all of the great things that you are now, and be open to finding out who you are today. It’s okay to be different now – it’s actually perfect for you that you’re different now than you used to be.

You get to meet yourself where you are, and lean into who the person you are today wants to be (because it isn’t actually to be exactly who you once were – there’s no un-ringing the bell).

Feeling Category, the second? Facing your fantasy bones: Grow into your real identity and make your back stories happen — what’s the worst thing that could happen if you took risks and presented yourself for who you actually are?  Failure & rejection?  Maybe, but trying and failing often is how we learn, and rejection is part of finding our right people. And finding your right people is part of finding you.

And it’s worth finding you.  Because you are the secret ingredient.

Get clear on why the dream is magnetic for you (Governor’s Ball = I want people to recognize I’m important, perhaps) and decide if the desire reflects something that will make you whole, or something that your hungry ghost is after.

Feeling Category, the third? Dividing duplicity bones:

What are you really yearning for when you go buy that same thing? Avoiding the real stuff that’s going on with you only means the wound festers. Don’t lose an arm by buying the same damn shirt.

And if you social uniform it up, on some level, desire to conform with your environment. But, you’re of two minds, and so — you don’t follow through.

(1) Why does a piece of you want to bend out of shape to fit in? (maybe you want to feel accepted; maybe you’re scared of confrontation)

(2) Why are you spending time around people who dress similar to each other, but you don’t dress the way they do? (maybe you like being the different one; maybe you need to let go of friends you’ve out grown)

Action plans & the Mormons.

The Mormon muffins shouldn’t have all of the fun.

Look at what’s in the closet and see what it’s telling you. Now, you know what to do next to be you the you way of doing it.

Take what I’m saying with a grain of salt — if it resonates, it’s probably the truth. If not, then throw me a bone and tell me so in the comments (ha. ha.).

If a horse were a lawyer, he would’ve quit already.

Animals don’t lie to themselves, and this means that if a horse had your job, he would have quit years ago.

And, yes, I’m implying that you’re stuck in your job because you’ve been telling yourself filthy lies (and believing other people’s filthy lies) on a daily basis.

Ponies and people.

What happens when a sinister person walks up to a horse and says, “I want to be your friend. I have tremendous career opportunities for you if you’ll put in a lot of hard work up front”…?

The horse walks away.

Because the horse could care less what the creepy guy is saying, the horse reads the gross negativity around that person and will not be lead by it.

In the daylong workshop I did with Koelle last week, I learned that horses react in each moment according to my energy. Or, lack there of.

It was as like being inside-out boy. The horse’s actions reflected everything going on internally for me.

• If I felt calm and clear about what I wanted the horse to do, the horse wanted to follow me EVERYWHERE.
• If I was nervous or aggressive, the horse would have nothing to do with me.

There was no lying to the horse.  The truth to the horse is totally non-verbal, so how I am is all that is real. What I say could not matter less.

Make good stuff HAPPEN: stop believing anything you hear. Ever.

You and I, on the other hand, listen to loads of total crap and believe it, all of the time.  And because of this, we end up in sticky situations.

Like the job your in that’s all wrong for you. Or that burdensome friendship.

Because instead of believing how we feel about a situation or a person, and listen to our instincts, we rationalize.

We talk ourselves into stuff so we that don’t make waves and we can avoid conflict.

This, of course, never really works. All of the words in the kingdom cannot change the truth of what’s going on, or who you really are.

Or what you really feel about being a lawyer.

Let’s say you’re staffed to a new deal with the only partner at your law firm that you reallllllllly do not like. Really, really.

[You] Well, I don’t really like this woman I’ve just been staffed to work with. Maybe I would like her if I knew her better. Besides, I don’t want be considered “difficult”.

[Horse - if he could talk] I do not want to work with this woman. Staff me to something else. Thanks.

Maybe you have worked the past 7 weekends in a row, and are EXHAUSTED. There is no break in sight.

[You] I am so tired and disoriented from lack of sleep and zero time for myself that I’ve crawled under my desk to cry twice today. But everyone in my practice group is this busy, so I can’t push back for a day off.

[Horse] I’m exhausted. I’m going home. See you tomorrow!

One of the senior associates you’re working for came on to you.

[You] I am shocked that my boss hit on me! He’s freaking married. I feel uncomfortable working with him. I guess if it happens again, I’ll be clear that it’s inappropriate and tell him that if happens one more time, I’ll ask to be removed from the deal.

[Horse] I’m staying away from this person. Good thing I’m a horse and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway, here at this law firm.

You get my drift. I’m not saying that a horse would handle office politics with aplomb — he may have been fired many times over if he acted horsey where you act human-y. But he probably wouldn’t have taken a wrong-feeling job in the first place.

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

To tap into your innate wisdom, and create a life that reflects who you really are, tune into your intuition. Listen to that first, gut reaction, and note what it is.  The next time you walk into a co-worker’s office, or visit a new coffee shop, notice — what are you feeling.

If you think back to the very first time you darkened the door of your firm, you may recall that you weren’t exactly in love with the place. But, the money sounded good, and the experience seemed valuable…

Starting now, instead of running down the litany of reasons to ignore what’s really going on for you, let yourself be honest with the most important person in your life — you.

Because it doesn’t mean you have to do anything. In fact — don’t act on this information. Not yet.

It’s much kinder to know a person is not a great match as a friend, and not foster a friendship, that to lie to yourself — and to him — and create one more obligation in your life, and take up space in his that could be filled with someone who really actually likes him.

Permission to say what you really feel.

Even if telling your boss that he is “toadlike” would be honest, it doesn’t mean this needs to be verbalized.

Actually, I’ll leave that up to you.

But beginning the practice of reading your true experience, and not the one you tell yourself to have, is one of those key building blocks for thawing out a better job and better life for you.

Because maybe horse can’t fake it like you can, but it has work it’s terrific at — just like you do. But he didn’t get there by pretending he was a praying mantis.

A horse is a horse. Of course, of course.

Take  the next 1 full minute to remember a time that you talked yourself into a business deal or a meeting or a relationship that ended up sucking.  How did you feel at the start of it?  What were the kinds of things you told yourself to do it anyway?

Now you know what it will feel like next time something feels wrong, and how you’ll try to lie to yourself to weasel out of being brave and doing what’s best for you. This is coming from one weasel to another.

Because you deserve an awesome, tailor-made and youified life from top to bottom. And that allllll starts with YOU.

Even if you’re a talking horse (especially if you’re a talking horse).

Here’s to greener pastures.

Friday Night Lights. #6: Phoen-TASTIC edition.

It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. And, a very full week.

I’m writing this post in the world’s hooptiest rental car, outside of Pam’s house.

Now, I’ll go through the hard stuff in the week, and the cool stuff, because rituals are big, big agents of change and healing and growth. They act as static reminders that we are always in motion, and where that motion is heading. And stuff.

You can join me in this one if those are things you’re wanting. Though, to be honest, if you’re not into exploration (of the world, of stuff you like, of your wonderful self) this blog may not exactly be your thing. But you can still hang out here.

If you ARE into that stuff, hooray!  Welcome. Stay as long as you’d like.

Hard Stuff

• Tapped OUT

I did a one-day workshop with Koelle, basically learning to make things happen in life by making things happen with horses.

It was ALL DAY, and I subsequently slept for 12 hours straight. And then worked today only to discover myself drained dry again.

INTENSE days of energy-using and horse whispering. This gal needs to be comatose for, like, one full day.

You know, veg out. Lay like broccoli. Because my head is full of dust and clerical errors.

As I write this, I’m muttering and drooling. I mean, not really (well…) but figuratively.

• Travel + Work

I gotsta make time for blogging and my itty biz while traveling. Aaaaand that means being a whip-toting task-master with myself.

As in, [whip crack!] Self, I know you’re tired, but you have emails from glorious clients! And blog! And don’t do a crappy job just ’cause you’re beat.

Look at me when I’m talking to you, Self.

I don’t love this.

But, travel is one of my things and I am in process with how to do that plus work in a way that really works. Hm.

• I hate my rental car.

It is a death trap. There is some conference here with 20,000 people, plus NASCAR, and there were no more rental cars in PHX, Scottsdale or Mesa — translation: No rental cars on the planet.

Except for this one place I found, which is listed under many different biz names (I know, I called most of them and talked to the same guy each time) and I didn’t have to sign anything to get a car.  Eh, really weird.

Plus, don’t tell my mom but I think there are no airbags. I’m paying for a death trap.

I feel okay with none of it. Well, it is kind of funny.  But only when I hand over the piece of metal that passes for it’s “key”, alive.

Very Cool, Cool Stuff

• Pam and her family of Slims!!!

I’m staying with Pam, who is amazing and wonderful, and I am sooooo juiced and jazzed and all of the words the kids use that mean that same thing, about being here.

Her kids are awesome. I click with them. It’s just cool.

And her mother-in-law is peace embodied in person form, and she’s teaching me Navajo, and I’m not awful at it! And Sessie (sp? sorry, “Sessie”) the nanny is like love and warmth on legs.

And, I’m about to meet her hubs. I can’t wait. I’ve totally lost my cool and am fully into the tizzy of excitement of it all. Yay!

• The Horse Whispering!!!

I love it. I learned the secrets to the universe and mined acres of luxuriously good stuff.

I’ve got to process it all, but the bottom line is that if you want to work on your boundaries, your leadership and being in a good “place” no matter where you are physically located, it’s your bag. Baby.

I will tell you all about it next week in my Newsletter. My Newsletter!

• Koelle!

She is so part of my posse. You would love her.

Koelle and I had a great day with the horses. She and I have crazy amounts in common, too.

She’s one of those people that I liked instantly. I wanted to run home and make a mixed tape for her.

Seriously, you would love her.

• Tweetups? Who knew!

You know Sparky Firepants? Or @Kinche? Well, heh, I do. Brushing dust of my shoulder.

Because Twitter makes the world of cool people the size of walnut – no, a small culdesac-ed neighborhood – I got to meet ‘em both.

Check them both out, they do cool stuff. And David (a.k.a., Mr. Pants, as I like to call him) has the coolest wife (Hi, Jenny, most excellent to meet you – congrats on your work with the alpacas) and the 3 most perfect-seeming (and not in an annoying way) children.

Who are all very stylish kids — adorable.

That’s all of the battery power my spaceship computer has to give me…

SO! Tell me about some of the cool stuff, and the hard stuff in the comments.

And go! Have a glorrrrrrrrious weekend!! See you next week.

Tuesday Styles #6: Thursday, whip it good edition

Important Note: Do not be alarmed, it is not actually Tuesday. In most places, it’s Thursday. For the Kiwis, it’s Friday (hi, Louise!).

This Tuesday, I was still needing to tell you about meeting yourself where you are, and just plum forgot about style, and how we talk about it on Tuesdays as one of our Aquaducts.

But I’m going to hit you with a lil’ style on Thursday, to keep coming here to my b to the l-o-g fresh and clean — 80’s rap style. Hotel, motel.

And since it’s Tuesday on Thursday (or Friday), and also apparently the 80’s, we’re going to whip it. Whip it good.

Crack that whip.

You’re doing one of two things with your clothing today: You are:

1. Expressing yourself, or
2. Hiding yourself.

Well, really one of three things. I’m adding a (c) option:

(c) You think you just put on clothes, and either don’t know or don’t care how to dress to express.*

*Filthy lies.

I would say that there is no right answer, but that’s not what I really think.

Really, #1 is the best answer.

#2 and (c) tie for second place. Also known as first losers.

Give the past a slip.

I am guessing you’ve fallen into #2 a couple of times… or, every day.

If you wear the same pair of pants more than a couple of times per week, and some of your clothing is from you, the teen years, you may be be a hide-yourself-in-your-clothes person.

You may just love love love those pants, I’ll trust your judgment here.

But for the baggy clothes wearing, same three outfits flaunting rest of us, we need to ask: What am I hiding from?

• Don’t like my body
• Don’t want to be noticed
• I just want to feel comfortable (not buying it)

It’s totally okay to feel this way – I’ve been there, and I’m cool if you’re there right now. We are so alike this way!

The youifying work here is to play with expressing yourself in your clothing choices, and see how that feels, and then getting to the bottom of why your burlap sack-dress became your ‘09 uniform.

Because it wasn’t for comfort.

But speaking of comfort, if you think you’re #3, I would like to suggest that you’re really #2.  Or a combo of #2 and being a little disconnected from yourself.

Which is totally okay, too. It’s a great opportunity to reconnect — and to use fancy pants to get there.

Which is what being successful is all about.

You must whip it.

I tell you what, #1 can be kind of freaky at first. Because, what if someone thinks I look dumb? And what if I don’t fit in?

And people might make, you know, comments. UGH.

I’m going to suggest that the top derisive comment-makers may be more than a little bit jeal that you’re not wearing the same cardboard cutouts that he/she is wearing.

Because making fun of you for wearing something that you are rocking because it feels youifying is super lame. That person is a Lamerson.

Tell Lamerson that you have a permission slip – nay, a commandment slip – from your youifying style expert, or you personal attorney. Because I’m all of these, and sometimes the word “attorney” shuts people up.

Whip it good.

Soooo, how do I do #1?

Excellent question. Here’s how this is going to go down:

• The next time you and I get dressed, let’s be spontaneous…
• Pick one item (top, pants, whatev) that seems kind of fun.
• Don’t think too much here

And, that’s it! The less you think about it, the better.

Go crazy with it. What is the worst thing that can happen? Some little biddies notice your hot pants?

This is all par for the being-an-original-person course. You and I can either let little biddies functionally run our lives by imagining their criticisms and living to avoid the sharp tongues, or we can be ourselves. And be very happy.

You can remember that I’m pretty sure this personal critique happens to me on a near-daily basis. I consider it a failure when no one makes a comment – good or bad – on something I wear. I’m not joking.

And what’s wild is that the more I express myself in what I wear, the more I hear buzzes about me having good “style” which is just funny. And, kinda cool.

So get out there and whip it. Whip it good.

Wherever You Go, There You Are (Still)

I usually write posts considered long by blog standards.

Just for kicks, I’m challenging myself to brevity this week. The rules are:

1. Write post in 20 minutes.
2. No matter what, must publish post.

The idea is to make Ristretto instead of my usual Americano.

Oh, you.

Yesterday, I lightening-posted about meeting yourself where you are.

This means not hating yourself for being where you are now, but accepting where you are because, really, it’s okay.

It’s okay to need help, it’s okay to feel frustrated.

It’s okay to lip sync in Australia and blame it on the rain.

Because, at this moment, you don’t really have a choice — other than fighting where you are, which, as we discussed, won’t really change it the way you want to change it.

This meeting yourself where you are is so important (to be happy, to make progress in your stuff, to grow towards a different career, to permanently lose weight).

The part where I do what I tell you to do.

The process:

• Select problem you’re struggling with.
• Instead of thinking up solutions, describe where you are right now
• Tell yourself, it’s okay that I am [description of where you are] — it’s part of the long, meaty process that is the rest of my life.
• Name one perfect thing about [description of where you are]

Here is me, meeting myself where I am:

I am headachy and tired because I’m recovering from a week-long bizarre illness, and I’m so thankful for my illness. Permission to be glad to be sick.

Perfect thing about this: Being sick limits me, but it gives me stuff, too.

I am happy that I got to sit around and read and watch movies and plot my world domination of all of the miserable worker bees. Permission to rest.

Perfect thing about this: The more I rest, the more productive I am.

I’m excited to put out a bunch of new products and offerings that can guide you, soup to nuts, from total stuckness to doing the right career path for you — basically, the tools I use and work I do — though I’ve felt impatient that I’m just not done yet. Permission to have mixed feelings and be in process.

Perfect thing: I’m being taught to enjoy the process of making these products, and not just push towards the goal of having the products out there. Ahhhh, this is a good one.

I’m doing some free legal work for my dad’s company, and I like feeling useful in a way that is usually very expensive. Permission to enjoy feeling helpful.

Perfect thing: I help my family, it helps me back.

You’re turn.

You’re working through some stuff, and it’s probably related to youifying your work out there.

Wherever you are with it right now is great, and wonderful.  You’re in process like I’m in process.

Meet yourself where you are with it and find one perfect thing about the where you are.

In the comments, tell me all about it.

(Eee, gads! I forgot it’s Tuesday and time for sylificating your life and times! My fault! This lightening posting has overturned my basket. Ah, it’s cool though, just keeping it fresh. Worst quality for any blog = boring.)