I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Introvert/Extrovert differences.

There are 30 million definitions of both of these words, tons of connotations that we’ve learned from whatever cultures we’ve been part of, and 70 million other ways to look at the world (Enneagram! Kolbe! What Color is Your Parachute?! 5 Love Languages! The Law of Attraction) and (almost) all are valid — I’m allergic to a lot of these, but I like a lot, too. It’s whatever works for you, Kimosabi.

I’ve been into this Intro/Extro thing lately because (1) I just read this awesome book on it and (2) I’m an introvert and my fiance is an extrovert. Thus, we need different things to feel 1000% fabulous.

(Laurie, you are an introvert, you say? You don’t seem introverted! — why, yes, actually I am.  I get this response a lot, almost to the point where I’m like, AH listen to me! I’m introverted!!! Why is this hard??? which is an indicator that I have some stuff to work out here, and not about your question at all — which I answer below).

I’m an outgoing introvert. There are also shy introverts — and shy extroverts, and outgoing extroverts. I restore my energy by being alone, but typically have confidence meeting new people (or, some would say, I’ve learned to coach myself in my own head from a young age to be confident meeting new people).

I’m like friendly and warm and my favorite element is SUNSHINE (and trees), but I need some down time like I need food & water. And maybe her.

I’ve tried to write this 2 other times and it turned into a rambling, boring mess, so this going to be a short post.

I recommend this book if you’re experiencing any of the following issues:

• My spouse is always suggesting we go do activities (out to eat! look at houses! stick ball!) and I will go, but many weekends I’m left feeling drained.
• I want more quality time with my sig other. I’ll be in the middle of a deep conversation, and I can feel the shutting off happen, and I’m left wanting more connection time.
• Is there something wrong with me because I’ve never sustained a “group” of friends but have a lot of one-on-one friendships? [answer: no]

Or, perhaps this rings a bell for ye:

• I don’t understand why my adorable child is not more sociable after school.
• I hate business school, but I love to learn and study (when I like the subject) and actual business.
• And many more…

About half of us are extro, half are intro, and we’re all fabulous! But in particular, if you’re an introvert who feels drained all of the time, like I kind of am (working on it), you are SO, so so so SUPER not alone. Girlfriend!

And what you’re feeling is valid! And maybe start with Quiet as a way to feel better now. And get your juices flowing! What’s better than flowing juices, you know?

No related posts.

Whether you’ve got too much to do and not enough time, or you said the wrong thing to the wrong person…

Maybe you’re having financial troubles. It feels very serious to live from month to month.

There was a Part I with tips 1 through 5.  Part I implies there would be a Part II — SO!

Here are tips 6 through 10, for you, for whenever the stress attacks.

(6) Is it maybe a little possible that there’s something funny about this? Maybe?

You’re kind of freaking out about how much you have to do, and how much you work, and how important it all seems…

What if you thought something like:

Being old, alone and fortified by an army of cats isn’t as easy as it’s cracked up to me — staying this miserable around so many animals that love me is a LOT of work!

Not being a fireman or a doctor, I am pretty sure that NO ONE IS GOING TO DIE if I don’t make this sale. And if they do, at least I’ll be in the news (there is no bad press, right?).

Seeing the humor behind how SERIOUSLY you’re taking this thing that is stressing you out can make you giggle. That shrinks a mountain to a … hill. We’ll get to “mole hill”… keep reading.

(7) Identify the part of your stress that you are creating.

Sure, the client asked for an entire website completed in 12 hours, but that doesn’t mean that you actually have to do that.

All you can do is your best, and expecting super human feats from yourself will not result in a better work product, a happier client, or a happier YOU.

So consider giving yourself a break — cut yourself some slack. You’re mere mortal, not Atlas, so the world need not rest on your shoulders.

(8) Really, identify the part that you are creating.

Are you, maybe, a teensy bit of a procrastinator? Could you possibly have planned your day so that you didn’t spend 30 minutes in each hour answering email and perusing the Conde Nast Travel website for easy weekend getaways? If the circumstances that have you in a tailspin are of your own making, note that. Don’t yell at yourself, but just be curious about why you’ve ended up in crunch time, and whether this is a patter for you.

(9) Consider whether stressing out is serving an Evil Emperor.

I was trying to think of a good personification, and I couldn’t think of one, so we’re going Evil Emperor. Sometimes, there will be a pattern in your life (always trying to lose weight, obsessing over exercise, hard partying, over-scheduling) and it’s not that serving the Better Good of making you happy, giving yourself what you need, creating a tailor-made for you life. Instead it’s serving an Evil Emperor.

There are many Evil Emperors, and they are all… evil.

For example, in college I had a pattern of constantly getting things done, and never resting. While this may seem innocent and very productive, rest and play are basic human needs that did not fall under the category of “getting things done” and so, I never did those things. I would never relax and just BE. Why not, you might ask?

I mean, playing is fun, and resting feels good, right?

Well, I never stopped getting things done because sitting still meant allllllll the little ghosties that I quickly and steadily marched away from would catch up with me.

I didn’t have to meet the Ghost of Pleasers Past (why I felt like I was not worth very much if someone didn’t approve of me), or the Ghost of  Failure’s Future (why I felt like I needed to achieve bigger and better than anyone else to feel like I was “good enough”).

Most of my productivity was in the service of an Evil Emperor: Fleeing the Ghosties.  Are you hiding from something and serving an Evil Emperor of your own by kicking up stress? Is stress a smoke screen for something that you don’t want to think about or deal with?

If what you’re reading right here is resonating with you, take a note that you may be enslaved to an Evil Emperor, and aren’t aware yet. You know deep down if something is up… be honest with yourself about this.

(10) Take. A. Break.

Put down the pencil, walk away from the monitor,

You can come back to this in 10 minutes after you’ve re-calibrated your freak out to mild anxiety by walking around the block. Take a 15 minute cat nap if you’re tired. Drink some water.

Take a deep breath.

You deserve a break (we all do!) every now and then. You’ll be more useful to yourself after taking a moment away from the problem to get some perspective.

Or, do whatever else you need to do to calm down.

You’re the best authority on you — you know what you need to do in this moment to pull away from the anxiety and feel better. Do it — here is your blank permission slip to do so.

You’re worth the little steps it takes to feel better. And, besides — you’ll feel better!

Related posts:

1. What to do when you’re REALLY freaking stressed out (part I)

I want to tell you a tale,  a harrowing adventure that I had, just other day…

It was, life and death! What will happen NEXT?!

It involved a butterfly, moving vehicles, and a narrow escape.

Enter… a car.

I had a meeting with a restauranteur. I love food and restaurants and want to know more about actually doing that, so I met with this restauranteur guy, it was really fun.

I left happy and care free, I’ve literally never heard a human being speak so fast, however. Then, I got into my car.

I backed out of my parking space, and started to drive away….

[where the plot THICKENS]

Enter… a butterfly.

… until! I noticed! There was a butterfly, clinging for life… on the hood of my car!

And for some reason, how butterflies are built, the butterfly couldn’t take off and fly away while I was moving.

And… I couldn’t stop the car! Too much traffic. flying everywhere!

I had cars behind me and in front of me, so I slowed to a crawl.

I was that annoying person in the parking lot that is driving so slow, she might as well have been driving backwards.

But… I am not going to accelerate and risk a butterfly’s demise, you know?

I have standards. And, priorities.

Enter… a very, very slow drive. Lots of honking.

There was honking – everywhere.

Instead of speeding up, I just took the heat.

These cars can’t see my butterfly’s peril, they just see me in a really, really slow moving vehicle (doing something with my iPhone out of the car window — which was, of course, taking a picture of the butterfly).

It seemed like I would never reach a place I could stop… Until…

I got to the other end of the parking lot.

[where plot, very slightly, TWISTS]

Enter… butterfly freedom!

Once I reached the other side, out of traffic, I stopped the car.

And, lo and behold, the very instant that the car stopped, the butterfly took off. Narrow escape!

The butterfly, apparently, was thinking the very same thing that I was:

Just hold on until the car stops moving.

He flew into the trees and never looked back. I don’t even know where he (or she) landed.

I started laughing. Not sure why (well, I am now — keep reading).

The more I thought, the more I learned from this tale of adventure…

(here is where we get to the point of me telling you about this harrowing tale)

Lessons: from the butterfly’s perspective.

(1) just hang on.

If stuff is just out of control busy and chaotic and there (really) is nothing that can be done to eliminate the chaos today, hold on until stuff gets better.

If you are in a situation that feels like a killer, and you don’t know what to do, just hold on and your window of freedom will find you.

• Whether it’s the crap-erson job that you’re in where you manage 20 deals and have no life…
• Or, your (seeming) inability to be normal around the food, no matter how hard you try…
• Or, you used fertility drugs and have multiples and not enough hands to change diapers…

The merry-go-round always stops, or at least slightly slow, and you’ll be okay.

(2) fly away.

When your window of freedom finds you, take it. FLY. Don’t hesitate, don’t look back.

Change made for the sake of your freedom is change you won’t regret. Or, put another way, you’ll never regret risks you take for love (instead of grasping at the car you have, out of fear).

• Some poor fool will offer to babysit your multiples…
• Taking the new job…

You may be changing paths dramatically and that is always scary. You may be, finally, putting your own health and well-being first, before all else. That is always scary, at first, too.

But if you never fly, you’ll never be free.

Lessons: from my perspective.

(1) you may look like a weirdo, to other people, when you’re doing something important to you.

• Are you trying a new business venture that your parents do not understand?
• Are you leaving a job you love?
• Are you eating according to your appetite and no longer cleaning your plate with the rest of your friends.

Doing what matters to you won’t always make sense to other people. In fact, nothing makes sense to everyone.

Especially when you’re doing something out of the ordinary… people won’t get why you’re doing it. They’ll honk.

And, it helps if you understand that they are honking because they don’t have the eyes to see what you do.

(2) you won’t regret doing the right thing.

I could have sped up, to be more convenient to other drivers. Other days, I might have done so.

But, that day, I wanted to save the butterfly. It felt like the right thing to do.

It made me so happy to do the right thing in the face of what-everyone-else-wanted, that I spontaneously laughed. Happiness bubbled up. Unexpected and wonderful.

The honking memories disappear. The honkers may or may not retract their honks, but it doesn’t matter to you.

You might be holding on for dear life right now.

Or, doing something that is different, among loads of honking.  You won’t regret the hanging on, or the doing.

The wild ride will stop. You’ll reap the rewards of you doing what is right for you.

And, your tale of adventure and woe will be like this one.

It will feel like a really big deal at the time! But, really, it was always okay.

You were just a little butterfly on the hood of a kind car, rolling you to safety.

No related posts.

Yesterday, I was telling you all about how I’ve felt like I’ve been doing all of the right things, and some weird things too, and not seeing the usual results.

(And, I even re-read my favorite blog post.)

I want to give you a concrete example — and make sure that I’m making sense (not so sure…).

Sometimes things happen. Sometimes… they don’t.

I’m talking about making things actually HAPPEN. Mainly, things happening in your relationships (with the food, with yourself, with your people, with business-stuff, etc. and infinity and beyond), but this could include all things, too.

Especially in areas of your life where you’ve been fruitlessly trying to make things happen (and NOTHING IS HAPPPPEEEENNIINNG).

But, here’s the twist — stuff can happen! And, you know, you CAN do it.

Just follow me.

Because this is the path I’ve been walking. For me lately, I’ve see that I could use a booster shot in two areas of my life: (1) my closest relationships with human beings, AND (2) in my relationship with my business (in getting the exciting stuff done — I’ll tell you more later.)

BUT THEN, I realized that the issue was commitment.

• Have I committed to being in these friendships, with both of my feet inside of the boat?
• Have I committed to creating this stuff for you, the work that goes into it, the fun that goes into it, and the relief that comes out of it?

The reality is that, well, I hadn’t. I was still playing-the-field.  Like –

• You get in the boat first! I’ll *think* about joining you.
• Mayyyyyybe I’ll end up creating, oh, other stuff. Or this stuff… wish-washiness.

Don’t get me wrong — playing-the-field has its place. It’s a GREAT (perhaps, only) place to be when embracing the no-plan plan. You definitely should be exploring options, seeing how things feel. Being choosey.

But sometimes, you’ve been playing in the field … until all of the other children when to bed. (There are two big, fat Greek reasons for this, but I’m not going to get into those.)

Instead, here is what you do: Commit.  Because, sometimes, any decision is better than no decision

1. What do I want for these relationships? Like, specifically, and in detail.
2. What obstacles (mental, emotional, financial, physical…) typically derail me?
3. REALLY, how can I overcome them/ dissolve them/ befriend them, this time — be creative!  And, what do I do when the plan DOESN’T work (inevitable, not a “sign” that it “wasn’t meant to be” — swear).
4. Now — what thoughts would I need to believe for this thing I want to be a real thing, in my life?

Okay, I’ll go first.

1. What do I want for my close friendships? My business stuffs?

Friendships: I want groundedness and safety. What I mean by that is I want to feel really free to be honest, and unguarded, (safety) and feel that way consistently (groundedness).

This could look like [in detail] taking measured risks with people I trust, and being in consistent touch with certain people to provide the opportunity for us to establish consistency.

Business: I want to create really, really good stuff that will help people right now, and ALSO will be something they can come back to. I want it to be so much fun, and so good, that my Right People tell their friends and get excited, too.

This could look like [in detail] creating the stuff in a way that is fun for me (ahhhhhh) and keeping the to-do’s playful and easy.  It also means revising this stuff after forgetting all about it. A lot of times. AND getting two trusted compatriots to review, too.

2. What obstacles (mental, emotional, financial, physical) typically derail me?

Friendships: I get derailed when I, myself, don’t feel grounded in who I am and what I’m about. Oh, man, is it easy to forget! I get derailed when I forget that I have such lovely supporters! And I get derailed when I’m not taking great care of myself, physically.

Business: I take on way too much — like, creating an intricate web of interrelated options that can work for all man kind!!! I do better with REALLY clear, specific goals. Yes. And a schedule! That includes rewards for sticking to it.

3. How to address these obstacles? And what’s the plan when this plan is not 10,000% perfect?

Friendships: Get grounding through yoga — at least 1x per week, and Pilates at least 1x per week. Anything that puts me back into my body is very grounding for me. Get support through my Jedi Council. List people that I want to be consistently in touch with (no more than 6) and reach out.

For whenever that’s not working… create accountability to revisiting the plan by putting this on my blog… so, hi!

Business: Well, I kind of did this already — one project at a time! And, daily goals! Corresponding rewards for sticking to the schedule — OH! And for whenever that’s failing… take a break.

4. What thoughts do I need to believe for this to be a real thing in my life, actually happening?

Friendships: (as an aside: um, I feel like I sound cheesy… BUT, you know what? These really are the thoughts that feel good to me, so here’s my flying leap off of a short cliff into nothingness!)

• I’m good enough.
• It feels the best to be myself.
• I’m most successful when I’m myself.
• I already have friends who I accept for themselves — I love how them-ish that they are.
• I love to support people in appropriate ways — I can choose to let them do the same, it’s really a gift.
• I can do this.
• I suspect they already know and love me (I’m not as good at hide-and-seek as I think I am).
• There’s only one way to find out if anyone loves me… be me.
• Living honestly is me living out integrity, and that integrates integrity further into the world that I live in. Beautiful.

Business:

• It’s okay to offer what I know based on my life and my experience — the people who need it will hear me, and those who do not will not be interested.
• Not doing so is actually selfish; sharing is actually compassionate and loving towards others.
• If I have fun doing it (which I know I can), it will be fun for other people.
• I’ll can choose to check in with my instincts frequently to be sure that I’m staying on track with my purpose and message and intention. That will ensure quality.
• I can totally do this.
• It really will be awesome.
• In fact, it already is so completely awesome.

Wowzer, lots of thoughts spewed forth.  I’m impressed you’re still here (you’re just great, you know?).

See?? It fires you up!

I made more progress on stuff yesterday, after doing this, than I have in all of 2010 (not exaggerating).

{In some ways, now that I’m looking at this, it reminds me of Havi’s Personal Ads (right? I looooove when different people arrive at the same conclusion separately) with my own flavor twist.}

I’ll report back on progress as the *official* guinea pig of these experimental games. It’s very possible I’ll forget to do this (remember Part I of What to do when you’re really stress? Yeah, it’s not just you — no Part II yet, keep forgetting…).

But I’ll try not to forget. Now that I said that, I probably won’t forget.

OH! There is one thing I almost forgot to tell you — how I came up with #4. Thoughts you have to believe for this thing to be a real thing.

It was a combination of reading something of Brooke Castillo’s (she’s a powerhouse — if you’re kind of sensitive, she may not be right for you, tbh) mentioning “thought cultivation” and how I got through law school.

Thought cultivation: being conscious of the kinds of thoughts you want to have throughout your day, to create the life you would like to be experiencing.

How I got through law school: Every, single morning, as I walked up the steps of the law school, I said the same prayer.

Thank you for this opportunity to be here.

Thank you for all of the gifts you’ve given me.

Please help me to use my gifts to the best of my ability here.

It may not sound like much, but it really and truly made me believe that I could be successful in law school (among probably other things, like getting the help I was asking for).

And, because I believed I could be successful in law school… I was.

(that’s where it started, anyway, and it couldn’t have started anywhere else and ended in success)

FINAL WORD — Whatever truly stubborn thing you want to happen, it would be very hard for it to be MORE stubborn than me being successful in law school.

(Which means (not to be too cheery, but I meaaaan this!) you can make it happen.)

Related posts:

1. How to make decisions.
2. 10 things about me (that you don’t already know)

Here’s something I’ve been noticing — and maybe you’ve noticed, too (I don’t know — you tell me):

Do you spend like a LOT of time thinking about your life, maybe even “working on yourself” and your relationships?

And, very little, like, happens?

I’ve been noticing that a lot lately for myself. Specifically, I’ve been working on (1) my relationships with people that I really care about and (2) my relationship with my business.

People: I really care about you…

But, why do I not always show it?

I’ve been watching my patterns (when do I start withdrawing? What am I thinking with I do that) and bringing awareness into the little pieces of them:

• I pull back from people I’m close to — what is that about? When does that start? What am I thinking at that time? With whom (note proper grammar — always torn, sounds snobby but it is right) do I do this?
• I can be a fight-picker… what the what is up with that? Especially since I re-heaaaally hate fighting and conflict (working on it). What am I thinking when I do that? With whom (again, I know) do I do this?
• I feel like I need to make you happy (as if that were even possible). When does that come up the most often? What do I think I’ll get out of that?

These are good questions (not to pat myself on the back too much, I’ve just been at this for, like, decades) and they always help me understand my REAL motivation. It’s finding my intention (we always have one).

But, I’ve been asking and asking and asking.  It has begun to feel like total navel- gazing, and has been not productive. I am asking but without a lot of answering.

Or, even if there are answers, I don’t GET anywhere.

I love to write! And, make programs! And, yet…

I have felt ultra-stuck in coming out with these really cooooool, fun and affordable and FUN thingies I’m working on for you.  Whhhhyyyyyyyy?

I ask-a the questions. I get-a no answers.

(Or, answers? maybe these are the answers? But maybe not, because NOTHING IS HAPPENING).

I’m accepting where I am. But I’m still taking small steps. I’m dissolving my limiting beliefs. I’m listening to my body.

Yeah, I’ve felt frustrated. Part of what is really frustrating is that talking about stuff really helps in changing your relationships with anything, but I haven’t known how to put language to this, even.

Which is why this is the first you’re hearing about any of it.

But all of a sudden!  I GET IT.

I wish I could tell you how this happened…

(I think it was just talking to my close friend, live, this weekend — I’m in a new city and have few close friends in person to chat with live… there’s just something about LIVE).

I was talking to a close friend — we’ve been friends for over 10 years, and not because it’s been convenient. She is just in my tree, know? One of my Right People, if you know what I mean.

And, she gave me the best advice:

I need to commit.

I’ve been analyzing and looking and asking, and examining. TO DEATH.

That’s great when it’s time for that, but right now, it’s time to commit to the future.  In other words:

1. What do I want for these relationships? Like, specifically, and in detail.
2. What obstacles (mental, emotional… shark attacks, moats around the castle — I don’t know where you’re going, maybe these things will be in your path) typically derail me?
3. REALLY, how can I overcome them/ dissolve them/ befriend them, this time — be creative!  And, what do I do when the plan DOESN’T work (inevitable, not a “sign” that it “wasn’t meant to be” — swear).
4. Now — what thoughts would I need to believe for this thing I want to be a real thing, in my life?

Caveat! You and I both know that I don’t think the key to all of life is just thoughts that we think — it’s more. Life just is more than that. I wish it were as simple as improving life through one thing.

But, thoughts still sneak-attack situations that are troublesome. Knowing your thoughts — and finding better ones that support the thing you want in your future — is your ace in the whole.

And, then — make the plan!

And — it’s working!!!

Tomorrow, I’m going to give you my story as an example of what a plan might look like, and the thoughts I put in there, and what’s happening. Yayness.

Love to you!

No related posts.

You know what is freaking creepy? How much we sound like little Hitlers when we are talking to ourselves.

I did not fully realize this until last week when I started monitoring what I told myself when I did something that I have been trying not to do for a while.

It goes like this (this is the weight loss edition — in honor of tomorrow’s class! You can insert thing-that-you-do-that-you-wish-you-didn’t-do HERE):

• Write down the things you tell yourself after you overeat. ALL of the things (you do it now, before you keep reading, because it works better that way).
• Now, how does hearing those things make you feel? After each sentence, write down how it makes you feel (you may be a lil’ surprised by some of the answers… sad/frustrated and excited, for instance…). Pause at each sentence and see what emotions come up for you.
• When you feel that way, how do you feel about food (or that-you-do-that-you-wish-you-didn’t-do)? Do you want to do the thing/eat more, or less?

Interesting, right????

Because, what if you committed to not beating yourself up, and just watching where in your life you beat yourself up?? Wouldn’t that be interesting?

I beat myself for a handful of reasons, including:

• Eating when I’m not hungry (yes, even I do this sometimes)
• Not being productive enough
• Not BEING PRODUCTIVE ENOUGH, already, Gay!?!

And other things, too.

What’s interesting is that I’ve found that, I am eating/being unproductive TO beat myself up. It’s a lovely little side bogie distraction from a lot of things that I don’t want to feel or deal with.

Which, as I know very well, makes nothing go away. I can hide under the sheets, that is totally fine…

…but, in this life, I’ve committed to working through my junk and showing you how to work through yours, too.

What do you beat yourself up about, ehhhh? (we all SO do this… just start being curious about it… I believe it’s a great back door into some lovely happiness waiting for you.)

No related posts.

Aaaaaaaaaand, here we are! We have arrived at a crappy day.

(By “we” I mean “me”).

I woke up feeling really yucky. I didn’t feel like getting-up-and-getting-going. I felt heavy, and rotten, and gross.

In the food and weight loss world in which I play, one might call this “feeling fat.”

My first reaction: I should not be feeling this way!

For one thing, I’m a person that helps other people be themselves, be happy and be free from obsessions that are crazy-making. So, to do that, I need to be living it.

And when you’re living in your own skin, doing what is right for you and respecting your body, it feels good… which, is how I’m supposed to feel, right? And, yet, I feel all crappy.

Hypocrite! Thy name is Laurie. I must not be doing stuff right!  I must not be taking care of myself.

Which means, I’m a failure! Ay yi yi, the dreaded failure. You know – DOOOOM!

It also means adding a layer of self-loathing to my already state of crapitude.

We kind of all do this. You know, when you’re angry at yourself for not being more, or better, or producing enough?

That’s what I’m talking about. It’s the anger on top of the not-ideal emotion that’s hanging out in side of you.

I know that I do this — I’ve earmarked it in my Book of Me. I know that when I try to beat the crappy mood out of me, I’m actually kicking holes in walls that are built back stronger, instead of dissolving the walls and making the progress and healing that I want. I really, really want.

I know that a better way to handle anything is from a place of acceptance.

I remember, back when I was working full-time for a big law firm and feeling very lost, I watched the Eckhart Tolle and Oprah series on his book, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose late at night when there were hours of work ahead before I would go home.

The series is kind of boring, but good background listening/watching while doing something else, like drafting a Purchase Agreement, say. And, it’s content is pretty amazing, and very advanced. It’s no “Your Life’s Purpose, 101.” It’s like “Your Life’s Purpose, PhD level.”

But one of the themes that resonated with me was, what you resist persists.

What you resist persists. That means that the more that you resist your crappy mood, your habit of overeating, your tendency to drink too much (a.k.a., beating yourself up over it), the more you strengthen it.

So, here’s what I did:

My list of reasons why I should feel crappy today:

• I’ve been working very hard lately, with little down time (and rest is SO important for productivity and happiness)
• I didn’t get enough sleep last night
• Something happened last weekend that really hurt, and I’m still processing that
• I’ve been denying myself some stuff (good flavors, free time, play) because of an old lie I used to believe, that sneaks back in sometimes: you must earn good stuff, you don’t just deserve it! (so not true)
• I have not been consciously identifying with my intention behind my actions, which is the most important thing I could ever talk to you about

That is quite a list! It makes a lot of sense that I would feel crappy today. It’s acceptable, and understandable, and almost a good thing….

….it means that I’m in touch with my feelings.

That’s so good! Yay, me. It’s the first step to Finding Your Purpose — meeting yourself where you are. And, I met myself where I am: crap crap crap.

I consciously accept that it’s okay to feel crappy, especially when I clearly should be feeling crappy. The fact that I feel that way makes it valid. And this is the express purpose of our feelings.

This doesn’t mean DOING nothing.

I mean, you never actually have to do anything at all. Ever!

For me, once I list the reasons why I should feel crappy, should’ve messed up or should’ve flown off of the handle, and see the evidence that how I feel is valid, and through that accept how I feel, I relax.

I look to see, based on my list what I might really need. (Rest! Taking care of myself! Adding flavors to my days!)

I give myself permission to think about giving those things to myself. I take deep breaths.

If I feel like giving myself rest, or care, or spiciness, at that moment, I do it. Because, I have permission to meet my own needs first.

So, I’m off to spend a little time with Ina Garten (rest), email some friends (care), and then do a little bit of work (which I’ve re-branded as “play”). Those activities are my pre-ward for playing.

And then I get another reward for my play — a lil’ time with good, wholesome nature.

Honestly, I already feel calmer, looser, and better. Just by talking about it. You’ll feel less like overeating anytime you do this around your stuff, too.

I say, anything that sounds interesting is worth a try — keep what works for you, discard ALL else.  Because, you’re always right.

Related posts:

1. “Taking It All Off.” Or, “Guerilla Weight Loss Tactics (that work)”

There is, basically, one key to doing everything successfully.

This week, I’ve been thinking a lot about how there seems to be one key to everything — like to being more yourself in your world and in that thing you do out there, to losing weight, to healing your relationship with food (and, healing other relationships) and feeling really strong in your life.

That one key is pretty much what led to me finding, and now, doing, this work that I do out here.

And because of my experience in figuring this out and helping you figure your stuff out, too, I see that there is one commonality in people who do things successfully.

When I say, “successfully,” I mean successfully doing things in the right way for you. The one key to doing everything shows you the way to do anything to be the most perfect way for you (whatever that thing may be!).

With the one key thing, you feel right, acting from your deepest place of strength and peace.

The one key to doing basically everything is to reconnect to yourself.

Reconnecting to yourself is the key to basically everything that you want to do. Reconnecting to yourself is kind of an abstract concept, but it means being in touch with who you are, at your core, what your driving purpose is, and knowing what you want.

It’s the strongest place (for you) on the planet. It’s been my experience that once you get connected with yourself, from that place you know what to do in each instance and what you truly want. And, often times, things just kind of work out.

I could site a bunch of people who agree with me, but I don’t feel really feel like I need to because I think you know that I’m speaking the truth.

So, if feeling peaceful and knowing who you truly are appeals to you, keep reading. I’ll tell you some right-now steps to get started.

Knowing who you are and what you want may sound simple, but if it were really easy, we’d all be connected right now. We lose who we truly are in the busy activity of our days, the perceived expectations of others, and the fears of the unknown and what-ifs that surround us all.

Which all just makes it is all the more important to know how to reconnect. Here are some simple things to do now to get you reconnected to yourself so that you can successfully go out and do, well, anything.

• Find a memory that brings you oh-so-much joy. This act of “treasuring” memories that bring you happiness reconnects you to things that make the real you happy, and your physical experience when thinking of that memory is just as if that thing were truly happening. You can give yourself the experience of a great, youified, day in your head.
• Exercise. It’s so easy, but moving around with the purpose of giving yourself something that will reconnect you and help you be more of yourself, instead exercising for the purpose of losing weight or getting ripped (definitely the other purpose that I struggle with… um, not at all) restores you and provides clarity like you wouldn’t believe.
• Focus on your heart. This is a little exercise that Tia Dayton taught me. It may sound a smidge cheesy… but, focus on your heart and imagine that love is moving all around it, and that all you need is all around your heart. I do this probably 50 million times each day, and it’s incredibly soothing and centering.
• Sit in the sunshine and just breath. I know it’s simple, but I’ve actually bothered to do this for about 15 minutes each day lately, and it changes my entire perspective. I know like you probably do that vitamin D makes helps release seratonin in your brain, which makes you happy, but, really, it does — and, it reconnects you to yourself, too.
• Remember all of the people who have gone before you. Reconnecting with yourself also means being connected to everyone in the universe, so you can go at that backwards by first feeling connect to others. Find someone who has overcome the obstacle that you’re struggling with (all successful people have struggled their fannies off) and look at where they are now. My favorite: Lincoln ran for office 20 million times in a row and lost, while his first and then second wives passed away, and he had a tremendously successful life.
• Meet yourself where you are. Instead of thinking, I should do this! I should be that! Write down all of the reasons why it makes perfect sense that you are feeling how you do, right now. Feeling crappy? Maybe it’s because you don’t like your job and are new to a city; maybe it’s because you went to bed late. There’s a reason, and accepting where you gets you connected to who you are now, and then you’ll know what to do now.
• Drink more water (but, more mindfully). Get present in the moment to reconnect with yourself by tasting the water that you’re drinking, how it feels when you swallow and how you feel after drinking it. It’s easy, and you can do it every time you take a sip and get reconnected to yourself.

Keeping it all together, and staying connected all of the time, is not exactly our destinies, I’m sorry to say. Our destiny is to fumble, screw it all up and quit, feel like we’re losing our grip and piss everyone off. (Or, is that just me??)

And, THEN, our destiny is to reconnect. Again and again and again. It gets easier pretty quickly with some practice, I promise.

And now that you have the key to, basically, everything, try one of these bad boys out and see if you don’t feel a little closer to calm, clarity and ready for your perfectly right, next action.

No related posts.

It’s Monday, not the most spectacular day of the week. There’s a lot to do, you have a lot of days of work in a row, and you might be feeling a little stressed about that.

And stress sucks. I’ve been thinking about all of the ways it brings us down: stress makes you fat, it leads to chronic illness, it feels awful, and it turns us into meanies.

And that little devil stress can sneak in like a Trojan Horse — you get this amazing gift-like opportunity, and hiding inside of it is an army of stress-bots, waiting to bust out and invade your day while your birthday candles are still smoldering:

• From what I can see, getting engaged is a Trojan Horse: Hooray, I’m engaged and in love! And, surprise – planning a wedding and appeasing all parties will be one of the most stressful experiences of your life.
• Getting a new job or a promotion is a Trojan Horse: Hooray, no more craptastic days in the cube! And, surprise — you now have to learn commercial real estate immediately because you make no moneys if you sell no spaces.

It’s not that the good part is not great, but the stress part is no fun and can really bring you to your knees.

Who needs THAT?

Not us!

So, if you’re feeling stressed out, here are some things you can do to feel better NOW.

(1) Remind yourself this: It’s okay to feel stressed out. You feeling stressed is not only extremely understandable (that stuff that you gotta do?! it’s important! And, there is a LOT of it!) but also really, really natural.

Darling, everyone gets stressed out. Not to diminish how very stressed out you may be feeling, but, most people, in your shoes, would feel like you do. Perhaps there are monks or deities who would not, but we aren’t exactly living in Tibet in a monastery right now, nor do have we sprouted angel’s wings (though Miley’s mom has wings, do not mistake her great taste in tattoos for actual wings — she cannot fly).

So here is your permission to feel stressed out — and you’re not a puny weakling for feeling the way you do.

Which leads us to…

(2) Consider not beating yourself up over feeling stressed. Feeling stressed out is all kinds of normal (as we were just talking about). But we get so mad at ourselves for stressing!

We’ll say something like, “Why am I screwing up? I should be handling this better! I’m such an idiot!” This results in us staying stressed 80% longer, a statistic that I made up for the purposes of this post.

When we berate ourselves in an attempt to get out of the stress, or to get things done, it’s like pouring gasoline into a fire. In our misguided attempt to alleviate the stress, we are dumping more Trojan Horses that release more stress-bots.

(3) Consider doing this (instead of the above self-bitch-slap maneuver). Here’s one technique, that you by no means are obligated to try out (but it does help me when I’m stressing):

Instead of growing enraged at your stress, consider yourself as you were in your childhood awkward stage (mine was between ages 11 and … goodness, I think 18, which is kind of funny).

During this awkward stage, you confess to your grown up self that you’re feeling really stressed– as if the world is on your little shoulders!

(Oh, look at those awful bangs and braces! The terrible tube socks! You look adorable.)

What would you say to your awkward little self? I suspect would not call her stupid, you’re way too nice to kids (and besides, people are watching).

You’d more likely find it cute that she was so stressed out about things that you knew she could handle, and even if she can’t, you knew the world would not end and she would be okay.

Here’s the leap: try and say those things to yourself. Whatever you would tell little you, tell yourself now with the same degree of compassion and authority. How does that feel?

(3) Another sneaky trick to de-stress right now: Time Travel.

Who thought it was possible? Not I! But, it is.

Think of your current stressing-out, and now imagine yourself in a few days (go “months” or even “years” if “days” is not long enough for all of the things stressing you to be over — or for you to do this exercise) into the future.  What could, possibly, in a few years from now, feel funny about this?

• When I’m happily well-adjusted to my new gig, and I’ve turned in this nuts-o project, could it be funny that I just breathed into a bag under my desk and my secretary caught me? Hmm, yes. That it is possible that I will find that funny.

I think this is the part where one of us says, “Laughter is the best medicine.” (Except that we’ve both got better lines that that.)

This works to de-stress you because laughter, little awkward 11 year old version of you, is a portal into being in the present moment. And stress is fear of the future.

In fact, all fear is future-oriented. And that’s okay! It’s just really good to know — you, being in the present moment, is always a place of peace for you to find, however you get there, and feeling fearful is being in the future. Good to know.

(4) Realizing, the stress is (errantly) trying to help you.

So misguided! (But stress is not a sophisticated beastie). The stress is promising to prevent the thing you’re stressed about from happening. You want to meet a deadline, and the stress comes in to create urgency and make sure you meet it!

But, poor stress, does not realize that it tends to create the thing that it promises to protect us from.

And this is a scientific fact (that I did not make up — seriously).

• When you’re stressed, you’re in your sympathetic nervous system (which a particular part of your brain regulates). That part of your brain governs your fight, flight or freeze response.
• You stay in this flight, fight or freeze response until the threat of danger is GONE. This means that you want to run screaming or pounce and pummel your office mate — but because social norms prevent you from doing these things, you freeze.

Your brain bottoms out and your body stalls. That’s why it’s so hard to know what you should be doing, and hours can go by with little to show for it — you are in your sympathetic nervous system, frozen in time and space as the perceived danger (shtuff that’s shtressful) is still looming on your computer screen.

Here’s where the science thingie gets realllly useful. When your sympathetic nervous system (and that part of your brain) is firing, the particular part of your brain that generates all creativity and relaxation cannot turn on.

The part of your brain that regulates your parasympathetic nervous system is the part of your brain that produces creative thinking; it lets you draw, think up new ideas, and problem solve.

And it cannot function if you’re stressed.

• So, when you’re panicking, you cannot be creative or generate your brightest ideas. Those two parts of your brain function on a toggle switch — when one is on, the other cannot be working.

So, if you’re stressed, and you’re trying to come up with a blog post or a new idea or even learn a new idea, it will be infinitely difficult.  You need parasympathetic nervous system to be firing to be your best at your job.

The stress, literally, is incapable of helping you. It’s keeping an unhelpful part of your brain online, which keeps the helpful part of your brain from using its juice.

(And items #1 through #3 are removing the perceived danger — or the thing causing your stress. Another thing you can do is toggle into your parasympathetic nervous system — keep readin‘!!!)

(5) World’s easiest, thing you can do right now to get into your parasympathetic nervous system.

• Drop everything and draw a stick figure.

Now, give it a hat that it could wear to the Kentucky Derby. And it needs a name (mine’s Veronica Patrick) and a bodacious bod. And maybe some Uggs, because Veronica is irreverent as she is unconventional.

Draw whatever floats your boat. Hey, even draw a floating boat — maybe that’s how this season of Lost will end! Do they end up in a boat, and the smoke monster is actually just a outboard motor, in an unexpected twist?

You could create anything for this little trick to work, but you may not have decoupage or potter’s wheel nearby. But if you do and that’s your thing, hit it.

And I’ll have more anti-stress-bot tactics for you in Part II.

In the comments, tell me a bit about:

• Something funny about your stress.
• What you like to do that’s creative.

And next time you see a Trojan Horse, you’ll know all about the prize inside and (huh, huh, huh) you’ll be ready.

Related posts:

1. What to do when you’re REALLY freaking stressed, part II.

It’s panic and stress and terror. It’s the office.

I talked with an associate at a law firm last week who contacted me because he is “the poster child for what I do.”

At this rate, I’m going to need a bigger poster. And a totally separate one for all of the attorneys.

I understand, 110%. The feeling stuck, feeling semi- or fully hopeless that work will never be better than this for the rest of your life.

You feel like there is more of you to use than the small (robotic) bit of you that is engaged in your job.

When you’re in a job that takes up almost all of your time, and yet very little of you even shows up, it’s a slow death.

You’re not a crazy person for experiencing suffering of white collar proportions.

Suffering of White Collar Proportions

People like you are built to be free, to be creative, to be yourself — on an hourly basis, not just on weekends.

“I should be more grateful.” You beat yourself up about not being thankful and happy merely for the paycheck and semi-security, you know, in this economy. Because surely loads of people would love to have a job, and they don’t.

Are you grateful? If you’re not, then you shouldn’t be grateful. Not being grateful is completely acceptable.

Even if it “makes sense” to like this life you’re leading, logic matters little when it comes to the person that is the real you, and the real you’s true preferences.

You’re going to be okay.

Accept how miserable you are feeling. I give you permission to hate your excellent job.

You have permission to want to never practice law again.

You have permission to have no idea what you want to do with your life.

Take comfort in knowing that realizing the truth — that this is NOT it — is beautiful, and it’s progress.

That’s the first step — being honest with yourself.

As long as you are honest with yourself, everything will be okay.

You have permission to feel lost. I have so been there.

And, you know what I think? I really think you’re going to be okay.

Related posts:

1. Life Line #2: Eek Out Some Gratitude
2. Life Line #3: Do Anything Differently
3. Life Line #4: 4-Day Win to Get It Done