I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Introvert/Extrovert differences.

There are 30 million definitions of both of these words, tons of connotations that we’ve learned from whatever cultures we’ve been part of, and 70 million other ways to look at the world (Enneagram! Kolbe! What Color is Your Parachute?! 5 Love Languages! The Law of Attraction) and (almost) all are valid — I’m allergic to a lot of these, but I like a lot, too. It’s whatever works for you, Kimosabi.

I’ve been into this Intro/Extro thing lately because (1) I just read this awesome book on it and (2) I’m an introvert and my fiance is an extrovert. Thus, we need different things to feel 1000% fabulous.

(Laurie, you are an introvert, you say? You don’t seem introverted! — why, yes, actually I am.  I get this response a lot, almost to the point where I’m like, AH listen to me! I’m introverted!!! Why is this hard??? which is an indicator that I have some stuff to work out here, and not about your question at all — which I answer below).

I’m an outgoing introvert. There are also shy introverts — and shy extroverts, and outgoing extroverts. I restore my energy by being alone, but typically have confidence meeting new people (or, some would say, I’ve learned to coach myself in my own head from a young age to be confident meeting new people).

I’m like friendly and warm and my favorite element is SUNSHINE (and trees), but I need some down time like I need food & water. And maybe her.

I’ve tried to write this 2 other times and it turned into a rambling, boring mess, so this going to be a short post.

I recommend this book if you’re experiencing any of the following issues:

• My spouse is always suggesting we go do activities (out to eat! look at houses! stick ball!) and I will go, but many weekends I’m left feeling drained.
• I want more quality time with my sig other. I’ll be in the middle of a deep conversation, and I can feel the shutting off happen, and I’m left wanting more connection time.
• Is there something wrong with me because I’ve never sustained a “group” of friends but have a lot of one-on-one friendships? [answer: no]

Or, perhaps this rings a bell for ye:

• I don’t understand why my adorable child is not more sociable after school.
• I hate business school, but I love to learn and study (when I like the subject) and actual business.
• And many more…

About half of us are extro, half are intro, and we’re all fabulous! But in particular, if you’re an introvert who feels drained all of the time, like I kind of am (working on it), you are SO, so so so SUPER not alone. Girlfriend!

And what you’re feeling is valid! And maybe start with Quiet as a way to feel better now. And get your juices flowing! What’s better than flowing juices, you know?

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There’s a class I’m taking with Meadow Devour and Brooke Castillo on The Art of Self Coaching. I love it, and it hasn’t even *officially* started yet.

{Just forum lurking and playlist listening. Loving.}

A most fabulous poem at the beginning of our workbook… it’s really good, really true.

There is a lot to ponder in it. What’s most powerful to me is how much we can try to pigeon hole things, or categorize ourselves as a [this kind of] person — and we get trapped in how we think of everything.

But, we don’t have to be.

Dropping Keys

The small  man

Builds cages for everyone

He

Knows.

While the sage,

Who has to duck his head

When the moon is low,

Keeps dropping keys all night long

For the

Beautiful

Rowdy

Prisoners.

– Hafiz

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Thinking about what is okay to eat based on what/how much you’ve eaten today.

Resisting eating when you’re not hungry.

Resolving to recommit to eating healthy food/less food/no food, starting tomorrow. Once again.

There’s this neurotic behavior around food, because of how we want our weight to be anything from extremely thin to a weight that feels right for us.

Where does it come from?

There are the culprits that you always hear about:

• the ultra-thin fit image portrayed in the media (ubiquitous statement, but also true)
• the fact that your body is intrinsically anti-diet
• the whole, I’d rather zone out and munch while I work rather than be present and accounted for in a job that makes me miserable; comfortably numb

Then, there is the “emotional” side of eating.

It’s such a big part of the whole tangled mess. It’s really even bigger than we think it is.

It deserves an entire column unto itself:

• I deserve a reward (somehow, we make this mean food) after my hard day
• Finding yourself munching until bed time, rather than being idle and feeling
• Lunches with friends that make you act like a vacuum.
• And, maybe even the thinking about it is just a way to distract us, anyway… (more on this later)

So, of course, because of that pesky phenomenon that the more you try to lose weight, the harder it is to lose weight, we use the technique we’ve been taught for getting things done.

Set a goal! Achieve the goal through drive, hard work and pushing yourself!

In my experience, the self-discipline tactic is a FAIL: you’re kicking holes in the wall, that rebuild only stronger.

It’s the oak who uses his brute strength to not bend in the wind, and so he gets uprooted while the willow flexes and bows and survives the storm.

It’s the storm that blows and blows to get the man to take off his raincoat, but he only grabs it tighter. Then, the sun wins the bet to get the jacket off of the man by beaming his warmth; the man wants to take it off.

The self-discipline route is especially problematic because you are, essentially, declaring war on yourself. No one tells you that’s what you’re doing, but you really are.

You’re body (and its extra weight) are the enemy, and you will get rid of it by

• fighting the urge to eat
• beating yourself up when you eat more than you should
• ignoring its pleas for food, and then later…
• stuffing it (because Mother Nature always wins)

You know, we really do not think of it this way, but we are truly brutal tyrants to ourselves.

Declaring war on yourself means one thing for sure (in the words of Brooke Castillo):

You will lose.

(and since I’m kind of a smart-ass, that also makes me think: yeah, but I also definitely win, according to that logic… but whatever, imperfect metaphors, etc.)

Here’s the twist!

While we gain weight for many reasons, and use traditional methods to get the weight off, (a.k.a. the war on self — this is your brain on diets), it’s the battle that becomes our addiction.

It’s all that we think about, and therefore, we don’t have to think about anything else.

We’ve escaped that thing we don’t want to admit to ourselves. Or, that we are scared to deal with.

• Anytime that I feel myself gaining weight, I know that there is something I’m avoiding.

But, I’ve also been at this game for a while — so that may make zero sense to you at this moment. That is very okay.

101 edition goes like this:

• If you feel like you are carrying extra weight for you, listen to that instinct even if you are not technically overweight.  You are probably eating more than your body actually wants, and it’s actually more inconvenient to do this, than to stop eating when you are satisfied.

The easy answer is, oh, but I love food!

That is so interesting for me to hear, because food’s deliciousness diminishes the more of it you have. Every bite is slightly less yum. Also — you could eat more later.  Sweetie, it’s not that you just love food.

Eating slightly too much all of the time can feel comforting. Again, that invites the question, why do you need comforting?

Because — you’re scared (more on this shortly! AND, important: it’s okay/unavoidable to be scared).

The one thing you really don’t want to talk about.

This is why you feel heavier than YOU really should be — you’re looking for a bogy to distract you.

And, guess what? Your body knows how to get your attention: I’ll always notice when I am gaining weight.

Your extra weight is the exact amount of self-discovery, self-care and self-work (for lack of better terms) that you need right now. Once you’ve done your personal work, your weight will be gone (for real).

If this all feels confusing, that is okay, too — there is such a spectrum of where we are right now with connecting to our appetites, focusing on our weight, and finding the right way to handle it.

When I start feeling like I’m gaining weight, I check in with my feelings. I do this by monitoring my appetite (which you can learn in my Guerilla Weight Loss class — starts July 20, and as of this post 5 spots left) to reconnect with myself.

I usually find fear.

In the beginning, it was this kind of fear:

• Fear of how big these feelings I was avoiding might be
• Fear that I wouldn’t be able to handle what I was avoiding — or, worse, get fatter
• What if I’m avoiding something truly terrible! Ahhhhhhh!
• And, what if my fears are all really true! I better ignore them so that I stay safe

What I’ve learned is this: my feels come from me. They come from inside of me — quite literally, they are vibrations in my nervous system.

The only way out of a feeling is to feel it.  Whatever you resist (or kick holes in) persists. When you’re a willow in the wind, or sunshine on my back (allowing the feeling to be, give it space, let it enter this realm), then it moves through you like a wave.

In fact, most emotions last 90 seconds (which is also the amount of time that it takes for a woman giving birth to have a contraction). Interesting.

(Also — did you know that the human body has the same ratio of salt to water as does the ocean?  I love stuff like that. No clue what it all means.)

Your emotions are also things that are not going anywhere until they are all felt. We can eat and obsess to avoid them, but they will lay waiting under the additional layer of stuff to deal with that we’ve just dumped on top of the unfelt emotion.

Here’s the last thing: your emotions are valid and real. They are also the product of what you are thinking.

And while emotions must be embraced to be free from them, your thoughts? Those you can change.

There is a thought behind every emotion.

And, the way out of a thought is to question it.

This is the most successful method I’ve found around emotional eating that actually makes long term progress.

This is how I deal with emotional eating whenever I notice that I’m beginning to focus on what I’m eating (or my weight).

It gets a LOT easier with time, because when you deal with emotions as they come up, instead of stuffing them down and having to deal with 2 decades of fear and anger in one stretch, it’s not so bad. Honestly.

This is like getting to the root of the problem — which, you never have to do. You can actually just let yourself feel your emotions, and stop there. That is more than enough — that’s great.

Whatever your choice, there’s no rush.

You can do stuff now, or wait until you feel more ready.

No wrong answers. No wrong moves.

Your wonderful, and if you want to heal this, you will.

You don’t want what you can’t have.

And, I want you to feel good in your body. So, that’s what you get.

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Did I tell you that, very recently, I was in Portland, Oregon for Havi’s Camp Biggification?

It was pretty amazing. I met some really, really awesome people. I learned some cool stuff from Havi that I will do, um, every day for the rest of my life.

I am TOTALLY still processing everything that we did and talked about. Why is it taking me so long to process? Because, I think I do not deserve extended down time.

Which leads me to Part I (of many!): To increase your productivity, REST (and, why).

Why is resting not okay?

We don’t really just rest, do we? We always have some kind of side-lining activity, like dishes or laundry or television or email checking.

I see this all over my life and the lives of those around me. I feel like, if I am not productive all of the time, it’s very bad. Productivity all of the time, though, is non-sensical.

What living thing can just output stuff and give and give and give without refueling?

There are lots of rules about resting that seem to be floating around:

• Resting is the same thing as Doing Nothing.
• And, Doing Nothing is only allowed at certain times of day, and certain days of the week.
• But even when you’re Doing Nothing, you need to be doing something (watching TV, the dishes, the laundry, napping).
• Rest that is truly doing absolutely nothing is for when you are sick, or there is something else wrong with you.
• Resting = a sign of weakness

And, many more rules that result in not-resting. Which is not helpful.

Because: resting is as important as being productive, because one cannot exist without the other.

The incredible paradox of rest.

It makes no sense that doing nothing is important for actually doing things! It seems like pushing to do things is important to doing things.

Well, that actually leads to burn out (now you know the real culprit! lack of serious rest). As fun as it is to be burnt out and still feeling like you cannot rest (obviously, sarcastic), consider other options.

Consider resting on a regular basis (daily, weekly, monthly — whatever you can manage). More on this in a second.

This whole rest business is why vacations are good, but rest throughout your schedule is better (both = the best! the most productivity!).

The reality is that rest helps you in a lot of ways.

Here are 10 specific ways that rest makes you more productive.

• #1: Rest is how you get things done faster.

Want one hour to be like jet fuel, instead of spending 6 hours and getting only a tiny bit of nothingness done? Oh, yes, you know what I mean… like, where did the day go?! What do I have to show for it?!

This is a sign that rest is needed.  I am not wanting to promise that anytime this ever happens, you just need to rest (there are lots of flavors of unproductivity). I’m talking about the one where you know what you want to do, you feel good about doing it, not scared, but it’s just not coming out fast enough).

Rest increases the speed of your productivity!

• #2: Rest is important for you to feel like yourself.

Youification! It’s easy to get lost in Other People’s agendas and desires, and forget what I even want to do. When you rest, you get to feel like you have come home to yourself.

*Ah, that even feels good to type.*

When you feel like yourself, you get clear on what you want, and how you want to do things. Instead of thinking, Errrrr, do I really want to go out of town this weekend or would it better to stay here, I don’t know! You just know what you’d like to do. How nice.

And clarity means taking steps is more like walking and less like fumbling.

• #4: Resting helps you handle stuff.

If there is a crisis, or is someone needs something, or if there is something that could be hard to do but doesn’t have to be, it feels like all-in-a-day’s work if I’m rested. If not?! AH! Emergencies! When we’ve had some time for rest, instead it’s an opportunity to get something done. The volume is turned down.

• #5: Rest creates a sense of calm that makes your day OH so much nicer.

How much more do you enjoy the very same life that you are in right now when you’re in a good mood? There is one thing that I’ve learned and keep learning — good moods are something we can create (whole other post… but true). One piece of building

• #6: Rest makes being doing stuff just generally a LOT easier.

When you’ve taken a piece of your day to rest, giving to other people and putting time and energy into projects feels fun and less like a grind. It’s because you’ve refueled. It’s like zooming out of the gas station with a full tank.

• #7: Rest means you are a priority for you.

And that makes you feel important, and good, and valuable. Because, you are.

• #8: Rest informs yourself that you matter and deserve time.

Again, similar to being a priority, you get to matter and deserve the time you need to be the happiest, best version of you that feels the most wonderful. Why not feel like that?

(Well, we suspect we don’t deserve it, but, again, another post for another day!)

• #9: Rest helps you make better choices.

When you feel good, like yourself, feel calm and know that you matter, you make better decisions. From, what shall I eat for lunch? To, how do I structure the debt/equity of this company? Or, whatever!

You make better decisions the first time which just means that your first shot out of the gate is more what YOU really want it to be.

• #10: Rest gives us space to clean house.

Regular time with ourselves gives us time to check in and see what’s going on with us. This is really good and VERY, very easy to forget to do because there’s stuff to get done! Productivity, productivity! And, checking in can be inconvenient and not always 100% fun when we’re feeling icky.

But, checking in is important to see what’s going on under the surface, do a little dusting here and there so that a big, juicy overhaul is not necessary down the road.

• BONUS! #11: Rest puts order to chaos.

Calling a time-out shows that you really do have a choice in every, single thing that you do. You don’t have to go to work on time (you choose to, to be a good employee and feel responsible, but you don’t have to).

You can always stop the madness and take a moment, it’s there for you whenever you choose to take it.

How to rest, even?

You may be wondering, um, what does resting mean? For me, it means, literally, telling myself, in my mind, to rest. I say “rest” and it feels like I am resting.

I have a habit of taking one day each week for rest. Whatever things I do, they must be (1) enjoyable and (2) coincide with rest. This means (for me, personally) stuff like movies, time with close friends, time outside, cooking, walking through the bookstore, listening to music, calling old friends.

I don’t exercise because that is enjoyable, but (for me) doesn’t feel restful. I don’t write on my blog because it’s enjoyable, but not restful-feeling.

When you ask yourself to rest, how does it feel? That’s the quality that you want to bring into your rest activities.

To be honest, I have not been awesome about honoring that healthy pattern lately, so I’m recommitting to doing so………. now.

You know, you don’t have to devote a whole day. Or any time at all, for that matter, to resting. You don’t ever have to do anything that I suggest — or anything that anyone else suggests. Check in and see how this is sounding to you (true? helpful? worth trying?).

And, if this is sounding like a good thing for you to do, start by spending about 5 minutes this afternoon doing something peaceful (watching birds, listening to classical music, garden-strolling) and reminding yourself to rest. Just start small, and see how it feels.

Because, things that feel good, help us be productive AND are easy to do? Totally worth doing.

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Sucky yoga.

It’s the evil petting zoo version of [capital] Yoga.

I am currently engaged in a Sucky Yoga Bootcamp — except, when it was advertised, the Sucky was silent, so I thought I was signing up for a Yoga Bootcamp (really a {Sucky} Yoga Bootcamp masquerading as Yoga Bootcamp).

Sure, it would be at 6 a.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for 8 weeks. Sure, it’s 15-20 minutes from where I live. These parts were not left silent.

It was also not cheap, and with the price tag and the above-mentioned obstacles, I’m expecting this {Sucky} Yoga Bootcamp to deliver.

You know, de-liver. Like, be challenging! Enlightening! Very attuned to form and everything else I’ve ever wanted yoga to be.

Possibly, unrealistic. Whatever.

Because instead of being the ultimate yoga challenge of the century!, it’s kind of a suckfest. Suck-a-thon. It’s suck-tastic.

The guy teaching is, like, okay.  As a human being, we probably wouldn’t hang out. That’s cool though, that’s just part of me knowing who my Right People are (which is a good thing to know) and who my Right People are definitely not.

What truthfully bothers me is that it’s all just SO DAMN SLOW. He talks slow, we stop and like, hang out, in between poses, which also slows things way, way down until we slooooowly get into another pose.

I even like slow (a.k.a., “restorative“) yoga. I like it a lot.

But this is like yoga for the elderly who also have ADHD, and aren’t able to study one thing for very long, so attention is all jerky and distracted AND are also creaky and cannot be that distracted very quickly. Creeping, but all over the place.

Also: stop telling me what to do, guy. My body doesn’t like it when I do something called the butterfly or whatever it is you just said. Ouch-in-the-spine (always bad, duh).

And I’ve pulled my back (or pinched a nerve, who freaking knows, but it’s annoying). So, I really can only do some stuff and cannot do other, twisty stuff. (Yes, I know who you’re talking to when you repeat to twist more deeply 4 extra times.)

There’s also this dude who releases, um, bodily noises (so gross, sorry to put that on you) throughout the class at an alarming frequency. And he doesn’t really look that clean.

Sick.

I sort of hate you, {Sucky} Yoga Bootcamp! Blah!

Early morning, long-ish drive, 90 minutes of movement suited for ADHD octogenarians and a disgusting side show.

And I’m pretty sure that I bring everyone in the class down with me in my negative tornado of loathing.

Reportedly, there was a “grim vibe” in class today.

That would be me. I would be the Grim Vibe in class.

Yoo hoo! It’s just me, Grim Vibe Gay.

And, here’s the most surprising part.

Clearly, I have grown to hate this class.

But what is sooo interesting is how much better I feel afterwards. Even this yoga makes me feel peaceful, more open and more creative.

Can you believe that? Clearly, after reading my ranting, you can appreciate how much I don’t like this {Sucky} Yoga Bootcamp.

And even when Grim Vibe Gay has villianously ruined it, for everyone else!

The fact that I still get something out of this tells me a couple of things that can go in my Book of Me (see tomorrow’s post).

(Book of Me, briefly for now, keeps track on stuff that works for me, doesn’t work for me and things in the “other” category of me.)

Things like:

• First, it tells me that even when the sucky is silent in self-care stuff, like yoga, it’s still worth doing. So, do it even if I have reservations.

That is good to know because there are times when I know a class will be s0-so, it’s not paid for like this {Sucky} Bootcamp and so, I don’t go. Really, going is better than not going.

• It tells me that I’m turning someone who is not my Right Person into an enemy.

This is not a useful habit. Really, it’s totally fine for anyone to not be one of my Right People. Super fine! No big deal! That’s part of finding all of my Right People (hello there, Right Person!).

But instead, I am not respecting his Him-ness. He gets to be as slow and herky-jerkified as he wants to be. It is his class, and just because he does that doesn’t mean I have to do that, too.

Because, I am the boss of me. Just ask my big sister. She’s been told that a lot.

Not in an aggressive, power-suit way, but in a Epsolom the catepillar from Alice in Wonderland kind of way. It just is.

It’s a knowing power, a deep and peaceful fact that I’m in charge of what my body does or doesn’t do and it’s fine for Other People not to be on board with that. They don’t have to agree with my worldview on this or anything else.

• I am allowed to not want to hang out with all people.

The person who happens to guide me in stuff (life stuff, work stuff, yoga stuff) is important to my experience of the process. It’s okay to be choosy. I can be as choosy as I want to me.

• Grim Vibe Gay is bringing people down.

It is worth it to find a way to have my own experience of a class that is not how I would like the class to be so that I’m not ruining it for everyone else, whose experience matters just as much to them as mine does to me.

For whatever reason, my energy affects theirs’ (maybe true for all people?) and it would be loving to them to work on myself here so that they can have their own experience, and not GVG’s.

Stuff I can do about this {Sucky} Yoga Bootcamp experience.

I could stop going.

I could go, stay in the back, and do my own thing when I would like to.

I could remember my Book of Me’s, and let this time be a clearing out of crappy moods and an opportunity to learn different boundaries between me and this yoga guy.

Because, really, this is all about my relationship with Other People. It’s all about where my business stops (my business, which is where I belong and feel happiest), and Other People’s business begins (which I don’t belong in and breeds anxiety for me).

It can be a lesson in how I relate to Other People, where I have patterns of thinking and action that don’t serve me well. I think {Sucky} Yoga Bootcamp is that whether I want it to be or not.

Well, if I stop going, it won’t have to be a teacher in Life School. And I can quit going if I feel that’s the best path for me.

Maybe I will go. Maybe I won’t go.

But, I do commit to watching this pattern with Other People who are not my Right People generally. It’s bound to come up again.

And learning to stay in my business and letting them run their business however they want, out of kindness for myself and not frustration with them (who knows where they come from! They could drink from toilets, for all we know.)

In the comments, I’d like:

• Anything! That is not advice (or admonishment for GVG)
• Also, thoughts on you and Other People
• Places where Other People get to you

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Oh, the irony!

We look for that thing we want to do everywhere. And we know we have a purpose, so we oh-so-dutifully go out and try to discover it.

We chase after it at full sprint. We try to sneak up on it. We take tests that promise to up and tell us what it is already.

But, it always seems to trickily evade our grasp.

Like when you want to catch the cat to take it to the kennel: we chase the cat! We lung after the cat. The cat is very good at not getting caught.

It’s frustrating. Is there something wrong with me? Have I no purpose? Am I lost right now, or is this my purpose??? AH. Frustration.

There is a Purpose Finding Secret (and, I’m going to tell you!).

There is, however a Purpose Finding Secret, that no one tells you about (those jerks!) and is counter-intuitive.

You cannot find your purpose by looking for it.

I mean, maybe somebody has found their purpose by chasing after it through diligent searching and Myers-Briggs taking. I don’t know that person, but different stuff works for different people. You know how it is.

My purpose flies away immediately, even now that I more-or-less (depending on the day) have met it, had tea with it and continue to court it, when I dive at it.

As in:

I’m now doing this THING and I’m going to GO FOR IT! And, it’s going to be THIS WAY!

I’m going to keep driving until I get there and will not look around or stop for anything.

Here I go, with blinders on…

Kind of like trying to catch (or, keep) a butterfly by grabbing it in your hand. It’s not the same butterfly when it’s smooshed. It’s not very happy to be treated that way.

Instead, we must treat the butterfly how it would like to be treated. That is, if in fact we do want to befriend the butterfly, get to know it and keep it around (which we never have to do).

We have to make the butterfly WANT to stick around for it to find us and stay for a while.

(We all know that the butterfly = your purpose, right? Okay, good.)

To keep a butterfly around, we get to sit and think on what makes a butterfly happy and thriving, what it needs and likes. Here are some suggestions for your butterfly-catching endeavors.

• Butterflies like space to fly wherever they please.

The metaphor continues!

(I hope you’re at least semi-okay with using butterflies… I like them, I know some people find their somewhat literal cocoon-to-butterfly lineage a little pedantic — “I know, I KNOW, transformation, blah, blah, blah” — but you have to admit, butterflies are pretty gorgeous and amazing.)

A butterfly dies quickly in captivity (I’m pretty sure, kind of making stuff up from here on out about the bugs). It needs open space to go where it pleases.

So does your purpose. It doesn’t do well in a box. Like, what do I even do?? That is such a tough question to answer, because what I do is the sum of all I’ve lived, done, am, and known.  How do you name that?

Your thing is the sum of all of that. It’s moving and growing as you live and do more. It’s a lot and loves the freedom to be a lot.

Give it space. Step back. It will land on your shoulder.

• Butterflies like open sky.

Possibilities!  They are endless. It’s easy to run into life-walls that seem insurmountable. But, what if they were really like video games, where we could just go left to find Zelda?

And, who says they are not?  Let there be infinite and unimaginable as-yet possibilities for your purpose.

• Butterflies like to have flowers out for feeding, but not force-fed.

Feed your purpose, but indirectly. You feed your purpose by feeding YOU.  This means, darling one, you need to take really good, extra special care of yourself.

Man, is that ever hard to do. I am not great at this. Taking care of myself is such a work in progress. Like the time I didn’t sleep for four days because one company was buying another company, and things had to be done, and then I ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis?  Yeah, not so much taking care of self.

But, I want to take care of myself. I made a dentist appointment today (in the attitude of self-care… though, the dentist feels slightly like self-loathing).

I made an appointment to get my hair-did. That is taking care of me.  My butterfly loves it when it’s fed.

When I don’t care for myself (physically, emotionally, energetically), my purpose has no fuel for moving around, finding me, growing.

This part is the most important thing in this post.

• Butterflies like protection from predators and the natural elements.

I don’t think they like rain, what with their gossamer fairy wings of fancy and the delicateness. They like to feel protected, and SAFE.

This is the second most important thing in this post.

Letting the purpose feel safe is the only way it will trust you enough to peek out. You don’t have to tell anyone on the planet that you’re even looking for your purpose. It’s YOUR purpose, you can do anything you want with it.

You can call it a “marketing agency” when it’s really being a fairy doctor (I know one — she is SO cool and very good).

You can say, “My business mentor has asked me not to discuss the plans with anyone for confidentiality reasons.” (Thanks, Havi.)

You can come up with a totally different identity, and THAT person will find your thing! So, the thing doesn’t even reflect on you, but Foxy the sock monkey of creativity. He’s a total weirdo, anyway.

• Butterflies enjoy other butterflies.

Butterflies play well with others. This is the third most important piece of this post.

Barbara Sher, who I really don’t know anything about other than some neat people like her, says that, “Isolation is the dream-killer.”

This is true. I’ve had some sloooooowwwwww times. It’s always when I’m kind of all on my own. Not talking to people, not seeing people, just thinking I need to do my thing already! On my own! And, not ask for help!

Fellow purpose-seeker, find your network of compadres. We are here! We really believe in you. You can do anything you want to because you have so much amazing stuff to give.

And, we need you to give it! Talk to us about it so your butterfly doesn’t get depressed and hit the bottle.

• Butterflies haven’t always been butterflies. They’ve been through a LOT.

Butterflies were once very much not butterflies. They were a totally different insect altogether. They became what they are now by turning into goo, literally.  And I cannot imagine this felt nice, at all.

If I turned into goo, do you realize how much I’d be complaining? Ah, wait, I have!

And, you have, too.

Going from, “I don’t have a purpose!” to, “I think I might know what my purpose is!” and even on to, “I am starting to do the thing!” can feel like falling apart.

Trust me on this one.

It’s normal. It feels awful, and wrong, and like, am I WAY off base and in the wrong direction? Usually, you’re not. Almost always, you’re not.

But the purpose-process, while all about not looking for it, does mean that changes sometimes come on in to our lives, and that is hard.

Hard, and (I hate to admit this right now) really good for us.

It makes us into the people that have purposes and do them.

Which is another word for freedom. Thanks, Janis Joplin.

In the comments, I would like:

• To hear about your purpose search or lack there of, or fears around a purpose search
• To know what’s hard about the not-finding it process as described via butterfly

I’d rather not have:

• Advice for others or me
• Spammers. Come on now! Still??

Lovely one! Have a marvelous day.

Related posts:

1. Find Your REAL Strengths (finally! and – seriously!!!)

The story goes like this:

[Me] Hi Kelly! My name is Laurie, and I have this thing I want to do, my friend Pam said you’re the best person to talk to — let’s talk about it!

[Kelly] Hi, Laurie! I’m happy to help! Let me know a good time to talk!

Approximately, 4 months go by…

[Me] Hiiiii, Kelly! It’s Laurie, again — sorry for the, um, slight delay in responding. Let’s chat on the phone! I’ll call you tomorrow.

At which point I decided to move, start a bunch of other cool stuff that I am really excited about, start traveling more for work and simultaneously, set up a brick-and-mortar office… and, forgot about calling Kelly back.

And, we have been in touch since, and she has been TOTALLY cool with me being all underwater and slow to get started and knows how it is for us entrepreneur types.

(I’m typically not that amazingly slow to get going, but she doesn’t know that, she’s just really nice and understanding. Kind of a human being, you know??)

But I, of course, felt guilty…

And, instantly bought her Sticky eBook Formula last week when it launched.

I just read it — and I LOVE it!

I primarily love it for one, kind of selfish reason….

I read it yesterday and I’ve hammered out my ENTIRE eBook since then.

AT LAST!

Seriously.

I read it yesterday, and since then, I started and finished my thing. (I’m going to stop saying that now, but I’m just realllly excited to be done!!!)

Granted, I have been thinking about this thing for, like, 6 months, so there’s that. But I just couldn’t get it out there until now.

The instructions are just simple, clear and has strategies that will take you from overwhelm to eBook (because getting your thing actually done and out there is the absolute hardest part the first time that you do it… trust me).

I like how you won’t get stuck in the part where you have to do a bunch of stuff before publishing, or even writing, your eBook.

(Like, find a market and build a studly blog before even writing the damn thing — which would almost definitely help, but that is a LOT of stuff to do.)

You’ll just get it DONE in a way that you feel strong about in terms of being true to your thing, and putting out there in a way that your right people will find attractive.

And, getting unstuck is something that I love-love.

~You can buy The Sticky Ebook Formula here.~

(That is what is known as an “affiliate link”, meaning I make money if you click on it and then buy the book, but I definitely am only recommending this book to you because since I read it yesterday, I’ve hammered out my eBook in its entirety since then. I’m just experimenting with whether or not I’m into this while “affiliate” thing. The plain link to buy it is here).

You can download the first two chapters to see if it’s really something you that would be into or not for yourself. How nice!

And what’s nice is that, if you don’t like it, she gives you all of your money back. This always makes me feel like the person isn’t here to scam me (and, I know she isn’t at all like that, but you haven’t procrastinated with her for 6 months, like I have).

Regardless, I just don’t want you to get stuck for 6 months, like I was.

This is just what I needed to get clear on how the crap to do my thing in an organized and right-now, but GOOD, kind of way.

But, if this book is not your kind of thing, go with that! Instead, let’s work together to find the thing that gets you unstuck! Put your stuckness in the comments to get us a’started.

No related posts.

I really should have talked to you about this before now.

For the past, um, FOREVER, I’ve been feeling weird, out-of-my-depth, LOST and gross about my newsletter.*

*Which is why I, basically, do not ever send it out, and you may be thinking, you have a newsletter?

Which is interesting because my newsletter is only exactly what I want it to be (I work for me, I create my thing out here, in the world, the way it works for me, and NO ONE is making me do this**)

**Well, I kind of am making me do this. LBH***.

***LBH = let’s be honest. It’s my second favorite acronym surpassed only by R.O.U.S’s.

I hate sending out my Snoozeletter because I don’t know what the point of it is, and I’m not going to just send crap to your inbox, which is a pretty personal place to show up, without it being worth it.

And I show up to my blog to tell you stuff that will solve your problemos, and to Feast to support and encourage and have fun times with my Feastie crew — so, why even have a newsletter?

It feels superfluous and hokey, because I feel like when I try to write it (EVERY WEEK, this happens!) I put on my Authority Hat, which feels gross, instead of just talking to you, which feels fun and good and is WHY I even do this thing I do.

So, yeah! Why even HAVE this Snoozeletter???

Alright, there’s the obvious solution — just don’t have a newsletter!

But, that doesn’t feel that great to me.

I feel like (at least, for now) showing up to your inbox could be a really good thing.

• It could be another way to support you (and you don’t have to remember to check the blog) and connect with you and help you be YOU out there in the world the way you want to be you.

WHICH IS THE WHOLE POINT of what I do.

• It could be a way to let you know what hard stuff that I see in your life (or stuck areas, or challenges — however we want to call them) and what I’m up to to help you over them. Kind of like a big-picture view.

Also — THE WHOLE POINT of what I do.

• Ooooo! I could also include links to recent posts, like as categorization, so that you can see the bigger picture and it’s easy for you to see your issue and all of the stuff we’ve talked about to get you past the issue.

This is feeling better.

• I could take off my Authority Hat, and just talk to you. And it could be just like my blog, but just be called a Newsletter.

Because, I love talking to you! I really miss it when I don’t do it regularly. It brings me great joy.

• AND I could re-name it, and call it not a “Newsletter” (which cheeses me out for some reason) and instead call it… ummm… something better.

Liiiike, Nooseletter? It’s Not A Newsletter? Paperless Post? The Automagical? Vanilla Pricilla? So, maybe this piece is a work in progress.

And, oooo Oooo oooo, MAYBE you can throw out some ideas!

The newsletter is for you, so you can throw out some names that you like… yeah??? Yeah.

Hooray!

That’s what I would LOVE in the comments: what could I call my Newsletter-Reinvention?

Purpose of this “it’s not a newsletter” is

1. to make it easy for me to support you (by showing up to your inbox)
2. to give you an overview of what we’ve been talking about in the blog
3. to show you how we are working together through the tough stuff
4. to just talk to you! like a normal person would (refreshing)

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I hope you’re having a magnificent Friday. Let’s chat next week.

No related posts.

Many, MANY thanks to Larry Keltto! He’s terrific, and the author-extraordinaire of The Solopreneur Life.

He’s been so kind as to feature me and my lil’ biz on his site today. And, what’s more is that he’s been MOST generous in his comment, too.

So unnecessary!

But, how lovely.

The Solopreneur Life is this wonderful blog and site that provides information all about, and tremendous support and resources for, entrepreneurs who work all for themselves… hence, the “solo-preneur” (clever, no?).

I really am honored to be part of his project and delighted overjoyed if anything I share is helpful to you, or anyone carving out a life that is your very own.

Check out his site, it’s great — and, then, check back often.

(Larry, you rock.)

No related posts.

Blurgh! I suck.

You know when you feel like crapola because you feel you are screwing it all up at your job or with your special friend or with your kiddos (or whatever)?

OR, maybe you’re just THINKING about yourself, generally… and feeling all kinds of inadequate, in ALL kinds of ways.

And sometimes, you don’t even know why you feel kind of not good enough.

This experience is your friendly, neighborhood Inferiority Complex.

This experience that you and I know and loathe is actually an archetypal phenomenon (as old as time).

Historical figures (I’m talking Lincoln — as in Abe) have struggled for half of their lifetimes feeling inferior… before ultimately working through it (and witnessing gargantuan successes, like a presidency).

And, let’s be honest — it feels awful. It feels so real! And overwhelming, and debilitating.

Here’s what’s going down: You are comparing yourself to one of two things (or both):

(1) some IDEAL version of yourself that you think you are not, and/or

(2) another person (or, really, the way you are perceiving another person… ain’t nobody perfect).

And you feel like you’re just not stacking up. You’re not doing or being the stuff that you feel like you should do or be.

Let’s just go through how to deal with it so you can to feel better, function normally and be all good again — every time.

And, just to be clear, I’ve felt this way, too. Basically, everyone I’ve ever worked with has one of these little Inferiority Complex beauties to tame. This stuff has worked for us — it’ll help you out, too.

Stuff To Convert the Complex into

(1) Accept Yourself. Easier said than done, right? Right. Here are some ways to actually do that.

Think of how you feel you’re not good enough. Do you feel un-pretty? Now, just assume that this “weakness” is true… how have you had to compensate in your life because of this inadequacy? Are you HI-larious, and smart as a whip because your looks were not opening any doors? Do you think you’re unathletic? So, have you aced your studies or become a computer whiz BECAUSE of that? Our weakest places are where we’ve grown strongest. Don’t stop thinking of yours until you identify how your perceived weaknesses have created your biggest strengths.

Name what you do in an extraordinary manner. A supermodel would be a terrible sumo wrestler. The best German orator would be the world’s worst English teacher. Identify 10 things that you are the best at (no matter whether you find these important at all). In the words of Martha Beck, just like there is no best stick (to roast marshmellows? hike? poke a weasel?), there is no “best” person. How are you unique?

(2) Find a Bigger Purpose. Is the point of you being on this planet to be better than other people at stuff? I would hazard to guess not. I am (currently) on this planet to relieve unnecessary suffering in your life. Finding a purpose bigger than your physical being and dedicating your work to that purpose is a way to lose your inferiority complex, permanently.

If I’m here to help the homeless, or support creative writers to do their best work, or work with animals, who cares if I’m shorter than Gary Coleman?

(3) Name the person you are “not as good as” and then list all of the things you two have in common. This technique works the best out of the three for me, personally. As you do this, keep in mind that everyone has the capacity for the same human emotions. While someone seems happy today, they still have the capacity to experience loss, sorry, anger and shame that the rest of us do.

(This is an exercise that is derived from something that the ever-awesome Havi does (you should hang out with me on her blog).)

Write down the person who is so much better at, say, slaying dragons than you are, and then write down one of your weakness. It will look like this:

Laurie, the Lamerson: I feel insecure sometimes.

[insert dragon tamer... example: Sister Mary Clarence]: Surely she feels insecure sometimes.

Laurie, the Lamerson: I am female.

Sister Mary Clarence: She is female.

Laurie, the Lamerson: I like lively, gospel music.

Sister Mary Clarence: She definitely likes gospel music.

Laurie, the Lamerson: I wear a lot of skirts.

Sister Mary Clarence: She only wears skirts.

Laurie, not-feeling-so Lamerson: I make friends easily.

Sister Mary Clarence: She makes friends easily… like a whole crew of nuns! And, I think, some kids that hang out with the nuns, too (I don’t totally remember the movie… it’s been a while).

**********************************************

See? We have stuff in common with the most random of fictitious persons. You can connect yourself into equality with just about anyone this way, because on some level, we are all connected as humans.

It doesn’t always FEEL that way, but whenever you’re feeling the “I SUCK” creeping in, you can remind yourself that you’re more like Mother Superior than you first suspect.

No related posts.