It’s Monday, not the most spectacular day of the week. There’s a lot to do, you have a lot of days of work in a row, and you might be feeling a little stressed about that.

And stress sucks. I’ve been thinking about all of the ways it brings us down: stress makes you fat, it leads to chronic illness, it feels awful, and it turns us into meanies.

And that little devil stress can sneak in like a Trojan Horse — you get this amazing gift-like opportunity, and hiding inside of it is an army of stress-bots, waiting to bust out and invade your day while your birthday candles are still smoldering:

• From what I can see, getting engaged is a Trojan Horse: Hooray, I’m engaged and in love! And, surprise – planning a wedding and appeasing all parties will be one of the most stressful experiences of your life.
• Getting a new job or a promotion is a Trojan Horse: Hooray, no more craptastic days in the cube! And, surprise — you now have to learn commercial real estate immediately because you make no moneys if you sell no spaces.

It’s not that the good part is not great, but the stress part is no fun and can really bring you to your knees.

Who needs THAT?

Not us!

So, if you’re feeling stressed out, here are some things you can do to feel better NOW.

(1) Remind yourself this: It’s okay to feel stressed out. You feeling stressed is not only extremely understandable (that stuff that you gotta do?! it’s important! And, there is a LOT of it!) but also really, really natural.

Darling, everyone gets stressed out. Not to diminish how very stressed out you may be feeling, but, most people, in your shoes, would feel like you do. Perhaps there are monks or deities who would not, but we aren’t exactly living in Tibet in a monastery right now, nor do have we sprouted angel’s wings (though Miley’s mom has wings, do not mistake her great taste in tattoos for actual wings — she cannot fly).

So here is your permission to feel stressed out — and you’re not a puny weakling for feeling the way you do.

Which leads us to…

(2) Consider not beating yourself up over feeling stressed. Feeling stressed out is all kinds of normal (as we were just talking about). But we get so mad at ourselves for stressing!

We’ll say something like, “Why am I screwing up? I should be handling this better! I’m such an idiot!” This results in us staying stressed 80% longer, a statistic that I made up for the purposes of this post.

When we berate ourselves in an attempt to get out of the stress, or to get things done, it’s like pouring gasoline into a fire. In our misguided attempt to alleviate the stress, we are dumping more Trojan Horses that release more stress-bots.

(3) Consider doing this (instead of the above self-bitch-slap maneuver). Here’s one technique, that you by no means are obligated to try out (but it does help me when I’m stressing):

Instead of growing enraged at your stress, consider yourself as you were in your childhood awkward stage (mine was between ages 11 and … goodness, I think 18, which is kind of funny).

During this awkward stage, you confess to your grown up self that you’re feeling really stressed– as if the world is on your little shoulders!

(Oh, look at those awful bangs and braces! The terrible tube socks! You look adorable.)

What would you say to your awkward little self? I suspect would not call her stupid, you’re way too nice to kids (and besides, people are watching).

You’d more likely find it cute that she was so stressed out about things that you knew she could handle, and even if she can’t, you knew the world would not end and she would be okay.

Here’s the leap: try and say those things to yourself. Whatever you would tell little you, tell yourself now with the same degree of compassion and authority. How does that feel?

(3) Another sneaky trick to de-stress right now: Time Travel.

Who thought it was possible? Not I! But, it is.

Think of your current stressing-out, and now imagine yourself in a few days (go “months” or even “years” if “days” is not long enough for all of the things stressing you to be over — or for you to do this exercise) into the future.  What could, possibly, in a few years from now, feel funny about this?

• When I’m happily well-adjusted to my new gig, and I’ve turned in this nuts-o project, could it be funny that I just breathed into a bag under my desk and my secretary caught me? Hmm, yes. That it is possible that I will find that funny.

I think this is the part where one of us says, “Laughter is the best medicine.” (Except that we’ve both got better lines that that.)

This works to de-stress you because laughter, little awkward 11 year old version of you, is a portal into being in the present moment. And stress is fear of the future.

In fact, all fear is future-oriented. And that’s okay! It’s just really good to know — you, being in the present moment, is always a place of peace for you to find, however you get there, and feeling fearful is being in the future. Good to know.

(4) Realizing, the stress is (errantly) trying to help you.

So misguided! (But stress is not a sophisticated beastie). The stress is promising to prevent the thing you’re stressed about from happening. You want to meet a deadline, and the stress comes in to create urgency and make sure you meet it!

But, poor stress, does not realize that it tends to create the thing that it promises to protect us from.

And this is a scientific fact (that I did not make up — seriously).

• When you’re stressed, you’re in your sympathetic nervous system (which a particular part of your brain regulates). That part of your brain governs your fight, flight or freeze response.
• You stay in this flight, fight or freeze response until the threat of danger is GONE. This means that you want to run screaming or pounce and pummel your office mate — but because social norms prevent you from doing these things, you freeze.

Your brain bottoms out and your body stalls. That’s why it’s so hard to know what you should be doing, and hours can go by with little to show for it — you are in your sympathetic nervous system, frozen in time and space as the perceived danger (shtuff that’s shtressful) is still looming on your computer screen.

Here’s where the science thingie gets realllly useful. When your sympathetic nervous system (and that part of your brain) is firing, the particular part of your brain that generates all creativity and relaxation cannot turn on.

The part of your brain that regulates your parasympathetic nervous system is the part of your brain that produces creative thinking; it lets you draw, think up new ideas, and problem solve.

And it cannot function if you’re stressed.

• So, when you’re panicking, you cannot be creative or generate your brightest ideas. Those two parts of your brain function on a toggle switch — when one is on, the other cannot be working.

So, if you’re stressed, and you’re trying to come up with a blog post or a new idea or even learn a new idea, it will be infinitely difficult.  You need parasympathetic nervous system to be firing to be your best at your job.

The stress, literally, is incapable of helping you. It’s keeping an unhelpful part of your brain online, which keeps the helpful part of your brain from using its juice.

(And items #1 through #3 are removing the perceived danger — or the thing causing your stress. Another thing you can do is toggle into your parasympathetic nervous system — keep readin‘!!!)

(5) World’s easiest, thing you can do right now to get into your parasympathetic nervous system.

• Drop everything and draw a stick figure.

Now, give it a hat that it could wear to the Kentucky Derby. And it needs a name (mine’s Veronica Patrick) and a bodacious bod. And maybe some Uggs, because Veronica is irreverent as she is unconventional.

Draw whatever floats your boat. Hey, even draw a floating boat — maybe that’s how this season of Lost will end! Do they end up in a boat, and the smoke monster is actually just a outboard motor, in an unexpected twist?

You could create anything for this little trick to work, but you may not have decoupage or potter’s wheel nearby. But if you do and that’s your thing, hit it.

And I’ll have more anti-stress-bot tactics for you in Part II.

In the comments, tell me a bit about:

• Something funny about your stress.
• What you like to do that’s creative.

And next time you see a Trojan Horse, you’ll know all about the prize inside and (huh, huh, huh) you’ll be ready.

If you liked this post, take a look at these posts.

1. Life Line #1: Take a Deep Breath
2. If a horse were a lawyer, he would’ve quit already.
3. What to Do When TOTALLY Overwhelmed