You are still the secret ingredient.

BUT! You CANNOT be the ONLY ingredient.

If you want success doing something that is so you, and true happiness, and anything else that is good, you need Your People around you.

(Of course you have to work on yourself and know who you are. You have to thaw yourself out.)

But you need very specific people in your life, too.

You need them as much as you need, well, any other necessity (food, water, space from your relatives after Thanksgiving).

And you get to select who these people are — and who you pick is very, very important.

Whatever you call it — you need one.

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family.  Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.

“Need” is a strong word. What happens when you don’t have your own people? Um, you die (only on the inside — don’t freak out! but I’m really serious about this).  These are Your People.

Your People are the train tracks that keep you on your right path. You’re the train. Sure, you could move a train without the train tracks — but it’s really hard. Putting a train on its tracks means it can travel 100 miles in hours.

A train is designed to run fast on its tracks. You’re designed to fly along ONLY when you’re surrounded by Your People.

And it’s probably not your family of origin.

The thing you have in common with your family of origin? You were born into it. This is a very special bond, but this does not make them the grand total of Your People.

Maybe you had a really nice, easy Thanksgiving with a large, loving family. And, if you did, you are the only one.

Most people I’ve talked to either witnessed or had at least one emotional break down (and the air was so thick with passive-aggression that you could cut it with a knife).

Or, your great-aunt’s razor-sharp tongue.

Or, utter humiliation.

Maybe you’re 30 and was forced to share a room — and bunk beds — with 3 toddlers, one with night terrors and the one sleeping above you? He wets the bed. And, they aren’t your kids.

You’re not crazy if Your People are not your family. And that’s 100% okay.

What’s not okay is never branching out to find Your Right People.

You still love your family. I mean, they’re your family. You’ll always love them, and they pay be part of Your People.

But Your People are out there waiting for you to find them! Woo hoo, over here!

And this is what you’re looking for…

Trait #1: Mother love.

Your People definitely express empathy and compassion.

It’s pretty cool how this “mother love” type stuff (there’s probably a cooler word for it, but I’m drawing blanks) works.

Something literally scrambles your brain, permanently, when you are loved this way. Without receiving, you cannot give it, and without both getting and giving it, you never feel complete.

Monkeys taught us this. Scientists conducted a study on chimpanzees in the 70′s where a few baby chimpanzees were raised in a cage with food, water, and a fake chimpanzee mother constructed of wire. They had no support, love or affection from a live being.

When these chimpanzees grew up and had little baby chimpanzees of their own, they completely ignored them. They left the babies in a corner. How sad is that?

It’s like they didn’t know what to do because they were never shown what to do.

And you need to be shown on a regular basis. My tank gets empty pretty quickly without a few people that I can call, rant to, and have them say, “I totally understand. That’s awful.”

And I get a hug or a cookie or a scotch and water — you know, depending on the day.

I also get to feel (and, really, know) that everything is going to be okay.

Trait #2: You’re on my madreiga.*

* It’s hebrew for “level”. A close friend who is on my madreiga is teaching me choice Hebrew, Elohim bless her.

I shoot you a look, and you know that I’m thinking, “This guy just said, ‘My family is more powerful than God’ with a straight face. Hee-larious. What a DB. Let’s pretend to agree and see what he says next.”

You know what I’m talking about — you get halfway through a story about a subtly competitive person at work, and Your Person already knows where you’re going with it and why it’s so freaking annoying.

Your People are following that 93% of communication that is non-verbal (because only 7% of what is said is remembered, the other memory comes from body language, someone’s vibe, maybe how they need a shower).

When you let someone into your tribe, you don’t have to explain something for 20 minutes for them to “get” it most of the time. And it makes all communication so much faster and more satisfying.

I get to feel connected in a web of support — I fall, and this is where I land. I’m much more likely to leap.

Trait #3: You can’t see it.

You don’t know your people upon seeing them — you know them when you feel them.

Like the way I feel about my friend “Susan“. We are just really connected.

She visited me when I was in the middle of being extremely busy at my firm and feeling over-tired of staying in a life that fit about 20% of who I am. The other 80% looked like this (quick-and-dirty explanation of that link: “garden of writhing polyps”).

And, man, did I lose it the night before she flew back to Atlanta. Because she knows me, and there was no keeping quiet how wonderful it was to just sit with her. It felt so soothing. But, she was leaving. I totally lost it.

Because, around My People, I cannot hide the truth. No more lying to yourself. And that, my friend, is perhaps the most valuable gift in existence.

Trait #4: You don’t have to “act nice.”

Because what’s more boring that acting tediously nice?

As in, “How were your holidays? That’s splendid. We had turkey, too. I can’t believe it’s almost the end of the year? Will you be vacationing?” times however many people are in your office.

You cannot convince me that you like that. You’re here, aren’t you? Res ipsa loquitur.*

* “The thing speaks for itself.” I took Latin, and dammit, I’m going to start using it.

There’s a time and a place for keeping your weird at bay (for some people — I make no claims about being able to do that), but not with Your People.

You get to be the biggest, strangest and most outrageous version of yourself. And they CANNOT get enough.

Fly your freak flag. Dance, dance, dance. Put a duck on your shoulder.

With My People, my true self is celebrated. Guard goes down.

Trait #5: Cheerleading is a sport.

You get that big brake in your business. You FINALLY meet someone special. Your chili wins the cook off!!  And Your People are jumping-up-and-down happy.

Not jealous. No luke warm emails saying, “That is great. Btw, did you see this YouTube video of the baby doing the stanky leg. Also, I think I want chicken salad for lunch”

They are just thrilled. It’s like a team victory.

The Ultimate Benefit.

Maybe you want happiness? Success? Utter nirvana?

When you have Your People in your life, your self doubt starts withering. You’re still terrified about leaving your job, but you know you can do it.

Your terribly embarrassing stories start becoming your funniest, most popular stories to tell.

It’s all lighter, it’s easier to take smart risks and it’s much, much easier to be yourself.

With less fear (and people to talk about the fears that you still have — there will always be some) you create things of value. You’re productive at work. You are irresistible.

You don’t eat doughnuts to calm your frazzled nerves.

My people push me (in a good, non-scary way) to do those right for me things. And they are waiting with cheers at the finish line.

Which, by the way, is where I’m waiting for you, My Right Person.

Comments!

If you’re feeling like commenting, which I love it when you do — but no pressure — tell me about:

• One of Your Right People
• Tragic Thanksgiving stories (that, because you’re here with me, are actually really funny)

Thanks for being on of My Right People. You are allllllways welcome here.

If you liked this post, take a look at these posts.

No related posts.